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I was not in the mood for company, solicitation, or any other bullshit person who had the gall to intrude on my misery.
Grumbling, I traipsed to the front door, cursing whoever I would see through the peephole.
Drake.
“Oh fuck,” I whispered and stumbled back a step, heat rushing through me and pebbling my skin regardless of the knife stabbed into my chest. My pulse kicked into high gear, causing me to shake before a handful of seconds passed.
He knocked again, more insistent.
My feet moved forward, drawn as always to the man beyond the door. Resting my forehead against the cold oak slab between us, I cursed a few more times even as my hand reached for the handle. I should pretend I wasn’t home?—
Wait.
How had Drake found me? I hadn’t shared my address or the fact that only three blocks separated our condos.
In the past couple of hours had he become some computer guru he’d claimed not to be? I hadn’t told him of my name change either. Hadn’t breathed a word of my personal life other than I had a place overlooking the state’s capital, but dozens of Bostonians could say the same as I did.
So how the hell?—
Another knock sounded, and I whimpered, well aware he wouldn’t leave until he spoke with me.
Swallowing hard, I straightened and pulled the door inward.
“What the fuck, Preston?” He glowered at me, all light and love gone from his blue eyes. Their vivid hue had been overrun with anger and hurt. He stormed forward, and I shrank out his way before he barreled through me. Not that Drake would ever hurt me, but one touch, and I would cave to what my body craved.
He glanced around while stalking straight into my living room. Turning on his heel, he faced me, hands fisted at his sides as though he wanted to reach for me as badly as I yearned for him regardless of what I’d done. “Why?” He whispered, some of the anger bleeding from his gaze.
Trying to regulate my breathing, I tore my focus off him to quietly shut my front door and lock us in.
He wouldn’t be leaving anytime soon even though I wished otherwise. Kind of.
I wiped my palms down my sweats even as my feet gladly took me closer to him. A couch sat between us, safer for both of us, I guessed. Unable to meet his gaze, I shrugged. “I j-just needed some space.”
“Bullshit. You were clinging to me as though afraid I would be the one to walk out. What the fuck is going on with you? Why can’t you just tell me the truth about how you’re feeling?”
“Because I don’t know!” I surprised myself by half-shouting. “There’s too much in my head!” Tapping my temple, I watched the sight of him go watery as tears welled in my eyes. “Thoughts, feelings. They’re confusing as hell, and while being with you makes everything go quiet, you also stir up things I can’t want!”
“Why not?” Drake stalked around the couch, but I backed up, holding out a hand.
“Please,” I whispered, swallowing as wetness dripped down my cheeks. “I-I can’t!”
“Is it fear? Hmm?” Drake stopped in front of me, my palm against his chest. “Can’t handle the stress of lying or sneaking around? You always were a nervous Nelly.”
His words stung regardless of them being true.
My feet itched to spin and take me away from the vibrating tension, the energy of him tugging on my deepest desires. I longed for the warmth of his hard chest against my cheek. Longed for those strong arms of his to shield me from battling down a path that would lead to heartache one way or the other.
“Do you love me?” Drake asked, his voice low and strained.
I slammed my eyes shut, my fingers tangling in his T-shirt to keep him close even as my head told me to flee. My throat worked, but I couldn’t…didn’t know what to say.
“Jesus, Preston. Why won’t you let me love you? Do you not trust me to have your back? To stick beside you no matter what anyone says about us finding happiness together?”
All my life, I’d squashed myself into the mold Jacqueline’s expectations had formed around me. I’d been silent rather than standing up for myself. I hadn’t told anyone about my hurts or secrets out of fear of her.
I hadn’t realized before how much withholding myself, my inability to be vulnerable, was hurting Drake and causing a rift that might cause irrevocable damage for any possible future I dared to dream about.
That truth made me feel like a piece of shit, stirring nausea in my stomach.
