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Jacqueline had come to a conclusion.
The young boy who looked after Preston when they were children has become a man, one who is obviously and helplessly in love with my son.
And Preston…
Her writing trailed off mid-page as though she’d been too troubled to continue. That entry had been dated the Friday morning she had called me and we’d had our first ever heart-to-heart conversation.
I quickly flipped to the next page, my pulse kicking up a bit faster, needy to read her thoughts concerning me—what she’d said about the phone call.
She’d written a new entry later that night.
After some serious soul-searching, I called Preston earlier today and started the discussion by finally apologizing, hoping to open the lines of communication between us. For once, I didn’t make excuses for my behavior or blame him for my absence when he was a child. I simply owned up to the fact I had chosen the family business over the innocent little boy who had needed his mother’s love. My greatest regret in life is causing him similar trauma to the kind I experienced with my parents.
I hinted at Drake’s love for him, but Preston chose to keep his own thoughts close to his heart. My son learned evasion from the best of them, something I’m no longer as proud of as I used to be.
My curiosity was not sated, but perhaps someday he will trust me with his truth.
He mentioned his father, and it felt like Preston tested me to see how much I’ve truly changed and if I would be open to discussing his growing feelings for Drake.
While I don’t understand Nancy’s gender and still can’t wrap my head around having a male body and claiming to be female, I’ve realized that I have a lot to learn about sexuality. I’m finally willing to listen and learn. I also need to do better in my thinking and responses in regards to the LGBTQ community.
Preston reminded me of the love I’ve found that wouldn’t have come to fruition had Nancy stayed with us. He then went on to verbally slap my face by offering me forgiveness, regardless of the fact I had hurt him in a similar fashion as Nancy had to me.
For the first time in my life, I broke down in front of my son, trusting him with my emotions, and he said he was willing to move past the hurt for the sake of our relationship. A gift I don’t deserve and will never throw away.
The longer I consider when I saw Drake and Preston together as adults, the more I cannot deny the sense of a deeper connection than friendship between them.
I’ve yet to figure out how I feel about my son perhaps being gay and in love with another man, but all I want is for Preston to finally be happy, something I fear he hasn’t experienced due to my expectations. I long to always see a real, uninhibited smile on his face I’ve seen hints of when he steals glances at my husband’s son.
Drake is a younger version of his father, so I can trust him with Preston’s fragile heart. I also know he will draw my son out of the shell he hides his more tender emotions behind as Devlin has done with me.
Only once before have I made a rash decision, and it gifted me the kind of love read about in romance novels. Trusting my instincts that led to my happiness once again, I called my lawyer in New York. I’m flying him and his associate to Greece tomorrow to ensure those I care about are always taken care of.
Yes, this is more a matter of the heart than a business transaction, but the only legacy I leave behind that is important is for my child to be provided for—same as the two men who have become his family and I can trust to care for him long after I’m gone.
A few more pages remained, but I paused to gather my thoughts.
Jacqueline had been hinting that morning over the phone, giving me the opportunity to share my feelings for Drake, but fear had kept me from being candid with her as she’d done with me.
Yet another regret to live with.
She would have been fine with my love for Drake, I had no doubt.
Tears threatened, and I closed my eyes, imagining Jacqueline sat with me.
“I’ve accepted it’s truly not my fault that you’re gone,” I whispered into the stillness, my heart aching, “but guilt is hard to let go. I should have been open with you and given you the words you’d wanted to hear that morning. There’s no changing the past, Drake told me just yesterday, only working through the things we face and moving forward. I promise to become the best version of myself as possible.” I had to swallow to keep from sobbing. “And when the time comes—because it will—I’ll make sure my ch-children will know about their g-grandmother and how much you would have adored them.”
A low keening sound rose in my chest, and rather than fighting the tears or attempting to ignore the emotion inside me, I gave myself permission to grieve all I had lost and the precious truths I’d found.
Jacqueline—my mom—had loved me and had trusted Drake with my heart.
I hoped wherever she had gone that she rested in the knowledge her son had found the same connection she had shared with Devlin.
We held a celebration of life three weeks later in Manhattan in The Bloomberg’s main ballroom.
I would have preferred to get the event over with earlier, but customs held up my mom and Devlin’s ashes arrival in New York. Guilt continued to whisper in the back of my mind some days, but with Drake’s constant assurance and the therapist we’d begun seeing together, I’d learned how to step forward every single day toward a future I hadn’t ever considered.
Jacqueline had already planned the entire affair with her estate manager, Mr. Barone, and for the first time, I was beyond thrilled that she had loved control so much that she took care of everything long before her passing.
