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“True,” I said, trying to choose my words carefully. “But one of the reasons I use the agency is because I prefer to keep some distance between myself and the person I… play with.”
She stared silently at me, and I forged ahead, hating the thick awkwardness developing between us. “We’ll be spending a lot of time together over the next month, and it’ll affect our dynamic during play sessions. Even if I’m no longer working directly with you. I won’t be able to see you as Charlotte any longer but as Riley, the woman who was my actual assistant. Does that make sense?”
“Yes,” she said, “but we don’t have to be friends or anything to work together the next month, right? If our only interactions are related to work and we don’t share personal information or anything like that, then it will make it easier to disassociate who I actually am during play sessions.”
“It won’t work for me,” I said. “I’m sorry. Now that we’re working together, I won’t be booking you again, not even in a month.”
That brief panic fluttered on her face again before she gave me an unnatural smile that made my chest tighten. “I understand. Thank you for being honest with me.”
She glanced at her watch and stood. “Would you like a cup of coffee, Mr. Cross? I often made Jamie one at this time of day.”
Too sick to my stomach for coffee, I nodded anyway. “Yes, that would be great. Thank you.”
She left my office, and I sat back in my chair, feeling like I’d been through a twelve-round match with a prize-winning boxer.
“I fucked that up,” I said to my empty office.
I turned my chair and stared out the window again. Ending my play sessions permanently with Charlotte was the right decision. Working with her every day, seeing her every day, even if we did our best to remain polite strangers, was too similar to how things had changed with Eloise. We’d gradually grown closer, spending more and more time together until I couldn’t imagine my life without her.
I was already too invested in Charlotte’s life before I knew her as Riley. Giving her my cell number, driving her home, and making her share personal details were similar to how I’d treated Eloise.
Meeting Charlotte in real life was a good wake-up call for me. It opened my eyes to the mistakes I was making and gave me the clarity to see I was falling down the same rabbit hole I had with Eloise. Spending time with Charlotte every day would only make my urge to ask her for more - more play sessions, more intimacy, more personal information - even stronger. It was a mirror of the Eloise situation.
It isn’t the same. Sure, Eloise pushed to spend more time with you, but it was always through the agency, wasn’t it? How often did she stay the night with you without getting paid for it? Three times. Three fucking times. You were blind to what Eloise really wanted because you were in love with her.
Maybe, but the feelings I was developing for Charlotte - fuck, Riley! - were too close to how I’d begun to feel about Eloise. Better to end it now before it went too far.
I think it might be a little too late for that, buddy.
I ignored my inner voice. It was wrong. I was still in control of the situation and my heart.
* * *
“Thank you for returning my call, Deacon,” Celeste said.
“Sure, what can I do for you?” I added more rosemary to the sauce and tasted some before turning down the burner. After my conversation with Charlotte today, I didn’t have much of an appetite, but I had to do something this evening beyond pacing the fucking kitchen.
Catherine and I just wanted to check in with you about Charlotte.”
I tensed. “What about her?”
“Well,” Celeste’s voice turned brisk, “we know you were very happy with her services prior to now, and we’d like to confirm that she didn’t do or say something that led to your decision not to book with her anymore.”
“She didn’t,” I said.
“You know that we guarantee one hundred percent satisfaction for our clients, so if -”
“She didn’t do anything wrong,” I said a bit harshly. “My decision to stop booking with her has nothing to do with her.”
“All right,” Celeste said. “Thank you for your honesty. If you have time to drop by this week, we can chat about other employees I believe can fulfill your needs.”
“No, thank you. I’m taking a break because work is busy.”
“Ah, okay.” Celeste’s relief was palpable even through the phone. “Well, you know where to find us when you’re ready to start booking again.”
“I do,” I said. The thought of booking someone other than Charlotte made my stomach turn, but I didn’t share that with Celeste. Give it a month or two, and my obsession with Char - Riley - would fade, and I’d be happy to book with the agency again.
You sure about that?
