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12
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I drove aroundfor hours after stopping by the apartment to make sure my dog was taken care of. I didn’t let myself think for the first half hour or so, like I said I needed to calm down.
I drove by the park but didn’t feel like being around people, though I wasn’t exactly safe to drive. In the end I went to my office and sat there with the lights off.
I wanted a drink, but I needed a clear head even more. So I sat there with my head thrown back against the chair and cleared my mind of everything. And saw her.
It took me two hours of back and forth, the pros and cons. Calling myself a fool for not just going home and putting the whole ordeal out of my head and moving on with my life.
But therein laid the problem. What life? Had I really been living these last few months? Or had I just been going through the motions without her there?
I headed back to her place without calling ahead. The lights were off but her car was parked outside the garage door as usual even though I’d told her that it was safer to park inside.
I took my time walking to the door and knocking. As soon as she opened the door I brushed past her and stood in the center of the room.
She walked slowly back to the couch and stood there like she didn’t know what to do next. I could tell from her fidgeting that she was nervous as hell.
But all I could think of in all honesty was that I couldn’t believe I was here. And not in my usual pessimistic way either.
I was actually starting to feel that rush from before. The one where I couldn’t wait to see her at the end of the day. Or wait to meet her somewhere as a last minute surprise.
“I can’t give you my answer right now. I still have a lot to think about. But what I will say is this. If you’re serious about wanting us to get back together, there are some things we have to discuss, some ground rules if you will.”
“But why. It’s not like we haven’t lived together before…”
“That’s just it. We’re not going to be living together.”
“But…”
“And that’s another thing. No more interrupting me when I speak. You want to do this, you’re gonna do it my way. Then I’ll decide if I want to take you back or not.”
“Remember, this is your idea, but if you start it, you don’t get to end it this time, I do. But if at any time you do feel like you want out, you’re free to go. Just don’t ever expect to see me again.”
I turned and headed for the door. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Be fucking here or we’re done.” For some fucked up reason I chose that moment to kiss her.
Not one of the pecks I’d given her earlier to calm her down, but a real tongue twisting, breath stealing tonsil cleaning heck of a kiss.
I know why I did it. Fool that I am, I wanted her to feel secure while I left her tonight. I didn’t want her worrying that I was going to desert her.
All that night I thought of the best way to go forward. The only thing I knew for sure was that I was not going to do things the way I had before.
This time I’m not gonna let feelings get in the way. She might want things to change, but I wasn’t quite sure that that’s what I wanted.
I didn’t call her the next day, Sunday. I spent the day with my dog and catching up on other things that had nothing to do with my wife.
I didn’t call her the next day before going in to the office either. I wouldn’t say she was out of mind completely, but something had shifted and for the first time since I was served with divorce papers, I felt like I was on solid ground again.
For the first half of the morning I couldn’t concentrate on work, my mind just kept going around in circles.
Finally at around lunch time I came up with an idea and ran out of the office without a goodbye to my secretary.
Jillian hadn’t called all day and I knew she was at home worrying and pacing. I headed to the nearest shopping district and spent an hour finding what I needed before heading out to her place.
She met me at the door looking less sure of herself than in the past few weeks. I dropped the bags on the couch and turned to find her looking at me with uncertainty.
“Come.” I held out my hand for her to take and sat her on the couch while I stayed standing in front of it. I gave myself some time to gather my thoughts, to put things the right way so there was no misunderstanding.
