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“I can’t sleep in pants either,” she mumbles, quickly crawling into bed and under the covers.
I try to ignore the way her nipples are clearly outlined under the thin tank top, but, holy fuck, it’s hard. Blood rushes to my lower half, so I turn to lie on my stomach, stretching my arm around my pillow.
No touching. There’s only one rule, and it’s no touching allowed.
This is going to be a long night.
19
ROSIE
Idebated which pajamas to wear tonight for over an hour. I angrily sorted through my drawers in search of something that I could be comfortable and modest in.
At the end of the day, I went with a standard tank top and shorts, covered with black sweats and a hoodie. I planned to remove the hoodie and sweats after Holden fell asleep.
Once I got here, I decided he could go fuck himself. If I’m going to be sleeping here indefinitely for four nights a week, I deserve to be comfortable. Ever since I grew into 32F bras at the age of nineteen, I have been incapable of wearing them to sleep. I physically can’t force myself to do it.
I lie awake in the dark of Holden’s room, listening to his breathing. It seemed to change and grow steady almost immediately after he turned the TV off and we both settled under his covers. I arranged a line of pillows between us in an attempt to keep the no-touching rule in effect.
We can do this without getting caught. This is totally possible. I will make it into nursing school. I will not sleep with him. Even if he begs me, I will not do it.
High school Rosie is somewhere in the universe, doing somersaults right now.
We’re sleeping in Holden’s bed?!
Holden Redford’s fine ass is nearly naked right next to us?!
In mental defense of my own sixteen-year-old self, I remember how every girl in my grade wanted to sleep with Holden. Hell, even just having him look in my direction would’ve felt like an accomplishment.
I cared about Duke for a time. He was truly my first love, my girlhood love. But even when we were together, Holden still had my attention. No matter how hard I tried, my eyes followed him whenever he entered the room.
It wasn’t a crush exactly, more like a rapt fascination. Like seeing a natural disaster on the news and being unable to peel my eyes away or stop running imaginary scenarios through my head.
If I had been there, would I have survived it?
If Holden noticed me, would I survive it?
I love Dolly like a sister and always have, but when I met all her brothers in second grade, Holden was an adult man. It wasn’t until around sixth grade that I started to really crush on him. I thought I had died and gone to heaven … no, hell. Of course, he never even glanced in my direction. The first time I ever remember him really looking at me was the night when I walked in on him getting a blow job, when he later killed my uncle Cain.
Now, here I am, sleeping next to him in his bed for five hundred dollars.
I roll over, stretching my arm across my pillow and curling it around it.
I hope Dolly doesn’t hate me for this if she finds out …
She knows Holden is somehow tortured from his time in prison. He’s been a complete dick to everyone on the ranch. Whatever is going on with him, it would benefit everyone if he could get over it. I don’t want to keep secrets from her, but this situation is bizarre.
No one would believe that we’re just sleeping in here. Is it actually realistic to think we could be doing this innocently?
I can’t risk her freaking out and demanding that I turn down his offer.
At the end of the day, she has her family. Her brothers will always take care of her, no matter what. I’m so grateful that she has that safety net, but the reality is that my situation is not the same.
I’m on my own in this world. And technically, I’m not doing anything wrong.
I wake up to sunlight pouring in on my face. Once again, a heavy arm is draped over me, holding me in place. My eyes flutter open, taking in the room.
Holden.
