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PRESENT
Lack of sleep is beginning to affect my productivity and, worse, my vigilance.
It’s no longer a rare occurrence or a fleeting occasion. I’m unable to sleep lately, whether by choice or design, and it’s all due to the very rational fear that Ava could sleepwalk into her fucking death.
It wouldn’t be the first time. I caught her standing at the edge of the balcony on Gran’s island, arms wide open as she smiled at the ground.
That smile still haunts me. Sadness and crushing relief brightened her dead blue eyes like a shooting star on a moonless night. That fleeting moment had the largest impact on me as she stood there in the night breeze, her nightgown flying with the wind, and I knew, I just knew that if I didn’t pull her back, she’d fall to her death.
She’d escape me forever.
As the car comes to a slow stop in front of the house, I pinch the bridge of my nose and mentally prepare myself for another sleepless, torturously paranoid night.
I down my fifth coffee for the day and get out.
Henderson follows me to the entrance, and instead of opening the door, he steps in front of it.
I raise a brow.
His deep-brown eyes appear black under the dim light as he throws tentative glances to either side of him.
“Spare me the suspense.” My voice sounds tired to my own ears. “If there’s anything you wish to say, say it or move out of the way.”
“This is not sustainable, sir.”
“And neither is keeping you in service when you don’t have your priorities straight, but here we are.”
“You know full well that you can’t survive on continuous lack of sleep. Your body will eventually shut down and the consequences will be unsalvageable.”
“I’m sure you and Sam will manage the estate’s affairs until I’m back on my feet again.”
“Just so you can shove yourself into this state again?”
“If need be. I have to be hands-on the entire time.”
“Then why don’t you quit your job and dedicate yourself to being her full-time carer?”
“I’ll think about it.”
“Sir!” Henderson grits his teeth, visibly vying for the patience he usually has in abundance. “If you give up everything for her, you’ll eventually despise her for forcing you down this path.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. I’d never despise her.”
“Even if she’s the reason you ruin the ambition you’ve harbored your entire life?”
“Even then.”
“You’ll be destructive without a purpose.”
“I have a purpose. It’s her.”
He releases a long sigh that borders on both frustration and defeat. “I’ve known you since you were a child, and there has never been a time where I thought you to be impulsivelyirrational like you are right now. If you believe keeping her from getting proper help in a specialized institution is considered a form of protection, then you’re sorely mistaken. You’re merely delaying the inevitable, and not for the best. This will have a worse impact on her than the previous time and it’ll only end in disaster.”
“Do you think I don’t know that?” I snap. “Because I do. I’ve studied all of the possible outcomes and I’m well aware of the consequences.”
“You simply don’t care?”
“I simply do not want her locked up in an institution she loathes and distrusts. The last time we did that, she nearly took her own life.”
