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Even when he strokes my hair until fall under.
“I keep having this dream about falling into a puddle of water and when I hit the surface, it turns crimson red and then I’m drowning in blood,” I say softly.
“Mrs. King. I’m sure?—”
“I’m losing time,” I cut her off, my chin trembling. “I wake up and I don’t know where I am for a while. Sometimes, he’ll talk to me and I don’t hear anything because I’m not there anymore. Eli, Sam, and Leo lie to me, probably not to worry me, but I recognize when my state of fugue is getting out of control. It’s happened three times in the past few weeks. That I’m aware of. And we both know if I’m conscious of those three times, then the actual percentage is much higher. I know you can’t do anything for me now, but I’m asking you, I’m imploring you to increase my medication so I’m right again. But don’t tell him I know. It's okay if he thinks I’m in the dark.”
Tears stream down my cheeks and I wipe them with the back of my hand. This deplorable feeling of helplessness hasbeen eating at me from the inside out the entire time I’ve been laughing, joking, and holding on to the illusion that everything will fix itself.
But I should know self-healing is not an option for me. If I leave it this way, my state will only get worse, and who knows what I might do when I fall into that hideous pool of loss of consciousness.
That’s what the blood in my nightmares represents.
Something unavoidable.
“Mrs. King,” Dr. Blaine starts in a soft voice. “I’m afraid only your guardian can approve any increase of medication or alterations to your current treatment plan.”
“Then tell him I need it. He’ll listen to you. I’m sure he doesn’t want to see me like this.”
“If we increase the medication, you’ll be lethargic more often than not.”
“But I’ll be conscious of my surroundings. I want to be there in my life. I don’t want to lose moments because my stupid brain decided to check out. You’re a doctor, why can’t you heal me? Why can’t anyone heal me and give me back my life, my memories, my agency? I can only function with the help of meds and I’m finally fine with that, Iacceptedthat, but why aren’t they working effectively anymore?”
The thought that this is a phase that will soon come to an end has been eroding me.
I don’t want the end.
Not when I’m just beginning.
Not when I’ve been the happiest in my life.
Dr. Blaine says nothing, but I wasn’t expecting her to. I just wanted to vent to a stranger so I wouldn’t hurt my family and friends or set off my parents’ alarm bells about my dreaded loss of control.
I stand up and pat my cheeks. “Let me ask one thing.”
“Yes?”
“Will I ever be normal enough to have children?”
She remains silent and that’s all the answer I need.
If I have children, I can’t raise them or I’ll most likely be a threat to them.
Better yet, I shouldn’t have them for everyone’s sake.
And that will leave the heir of King Enterprises heirless.
Because of me.
I came to Dr. Blaine to seek answers, but I leave with a heavy heart and tears burning my eyes.
That afternoon,Eli invites me to watch him be a sex god.
Sorry, I meant play polo.
It’s not my fault that he looks hotter than sin in his tight white polo shirt while commanding a horse with infinite ease.
I’m so happy I brought a lace fan that matches my umbrella, because I need to cool off whenever I look at him.
