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I nodded my head at him. Gabriel and TJ didn’t get along at times but they made it work. For me. Gabriel always thought TJ was trouble and had this idea that I would run off with him, while TJ thought Gabriel was a possessive asshole with a stick up his ass.
“Why doesn’t he stay here at the house with you then?”
“Because he knows during this time I need space for myself.”
Usually in years before during this time, I would shut down and push everyone away. I didn’t want people near me when the one person I wanted most to be here wasn’t and would never be.
“What will you do after tomorrow?” Lucifer asked, squeezing my hand gently.
Dammit.
Lucifer gazed up at me,
“Catalina.”
I glanced back down at my plate, unable to meet his eyes.
“You’re going to go back aren’t you?”
“What do you want me to do Lucifer?”
“Are you going back because you want to or because you feel you have to?”
“What am I supposed to do!”
“DECIDE YOUR OWN FATE! DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT TO DO BASED ON WHAT YOU WANT NOT WHAT OTHERS WANT FOR YOU!” he yelled as he stood and began to pace back and forth.
I glanced down at the floor still unable to meet his eyes,
“Catalina look at me.”
I can’t.
“Catalina please.”
“Why does it matter anyway!”
“YOUR CHOICE MATTERS! WHAT YOU WANT MATTERS! YOU MATTER CATALINA!”
Still unable to meet his gaze, I watched as Lucifer sunk to his knees before me as he took both of my hands in his.
“Tell me what you want to do. Do you want to stay or do you want to go?”
Stay! I want you to stay!
I wanted to scream those words out but I was stuck and I couldn’t speak.
“I am not leaving, but I will give you some time to think and if you want this, want me and us, then meet me here tomorrow at four and we will figure this out together.” He stood up and kissed the top of my head. Finally, I glanced up and watched as he walked out the door, spread his wings, and disappeared into the night.
I wanted him to stay. I wanted to tell him that I wanted him, That I wanted whatever this was. But I knew the moment Gabriel found out I would have to choose between them and I couldn’t do that. I didn’t want to have to choose between the two people that meant the world to me.
What the hell am I going to do?
* * *
The drive up here was always the worst part.
Gabriel had picked me up at noon exactly and we drove in silence for the entire fifteen-minute trip to the cemetery. I always got a bad feeling in my stomach when I came to visit. I used to think it was because when I was younger I didn’t understand what death meant or what it was exactly so it always scared me.
