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She bites her bottom lip, staring at the floor for a second, and I can tell she’s fighting back tears. Needing to be near her, I get up and walk over, putting my hands on her upper arms and rubbing them. “It’s okay. Whatever you’re worried about, we can sort it out.”
She gives me a dead look. “I’m not sure we can.”
I let go of her and wait while she takes a deep breath.
“I’ve noticed a pattern in our … whatever this is … and I thought it best to come right out and ask you about it, because I could be wrong.” She blinks a few times, then says, “I hope I’m wrong. I’ve been going over the more pivotal moments we’ve shared—the kiss at the opera house, the first time we had sex—both prompted by a request that would have risked me finding out about your dyslexia. And then when we talked about it, you said something that’s been bugging me ever since. Like way at the back of my brain, but I was too focused on Frank to let it come to the forefront. This morning when I woke up, however, it was all there, plain as day. You said you distract and redirect people to keep from being found out. And I said, ‘you charm them,’ to which you said, ‘yes.’”
Fuuuuccckk. “Allie?—”
“Please let me finish because this is hard enough to get through without being interrupted.”
I close my mouth, my heart sinking as I stare at her beautiful face.
She lifts her chin. “So, if you have a habit of charming people to hide your dyslexia, then that means both of those … events … would not have happened when they did. Or possibly at all.”
“They definitely would have happened. Maybe not at those exact moments, but trust me, I very much wanted them to happen,” I say, desperation coming over me. “I didn’t kiss you because I was trying to avoid the truth, and that’s certainly not why I slept with you. I did those things because I wanted to. Because I wanted you.”
She gives me a hard look. “I need the truth. Not what you think I want to hear, not some smoothed out version of what happened to placate me. The whole truth, because I’m trying to figure out what we are, and the timing of those things isn’t a coincidence, is it? You were doing that thing you’ve always done to hide.”
I open my mouth to protest, but then realize I can’t do that with her. It wouldn’t be fair. Running a hand through my hair, I say, “You’re right. I did do that thing I’ve always done.”
She gets up and walks to the window, clearly needing to be as far away from me as possible.
“But I also really wanted to kiss you at the opera. In fact, I’ve been wanting to kiss you since I first saw you,” I tell her, wanting to close the distance between us, but knowing I need to give her space.
She nods, doing her best to hide how hurt she is. “Okay, that’s really all I need to know.”
My palms go sweaty, my heart pounds, and my gut churns. I’m going to lose the only woman I’ve ever loved, and all because I was too much of a coward to let her see the real me from the start. “Allie, wait, it’s not that simple. If I hadn’t wanted to do all those things, believe me, I would have found some other way to distract you. Like, at the opera, let’s say I went with Chad instead of you, and he wanted me to read the playbill, I would’ve … pointed out some beautiful women in the audience and suggested we go meet them at the intermission. Then I would’ve gotten him to figure out their seat numbers so we could send a note down to them.”
Okay, based on the disgusted look on her face, I can tell this isn’t helping. “I’m making this worse, aren’t I?”
“Yup.”
I take a couple of steps in her direction, then stop myself. “I meant everything I said to you. Every word of it. I feel things for you I’ve never felt for anyone.”
“Please stop,” she says, her eyes filling with tears.
My heart moves up to my throat, but I force out the words that need to be spoken. “Allie, I’m in love with you.”
“No, don’t say that.” Her words wobble and her chin quivers, and I know I’ve hurt her beyond repair. “Not when the whole thing was based on a lie.”
“It really wasn’t. I promise you. Okay, at the opera it may have started out that way, but as soon as I kissed you, I knew. And you can’t tell me you didn’t feel it too, because I know you did.”
“I don’t know what I felt anymore, but I know that right now, what I feel is betrayed. You lied to me. Maybe not with your words, but with your actions. You tricked me. I have never felt so stupid in my entire life,” she says. “And I had a boyfriend who would wash his penis in the sink, Hudson. In the sink. Yet somehow you’ve made me feel worse than he ever did.”
I rub a hand over my mouth, not knowing what to say, hating like hell that I’ve hurt her like this. Hating myself. “I never meant to?—”
“Oh yes, you did. I’m just another sucker. Somebody you managed to fool so you could keep your secret,” she says, shaking her head. “That’s not love. It’s a cheap magic trick.”
“Allie please?—”
She shakes her head. “No more. Whatever this was, it’s over. Let’s just get through today and then you can leave like you were always planning to do.”
A knock on the door interrupts us, and Allie quickly wipes under her eyes. I turn in time to see Chad poke his head in. “Hey, Hudson, you coming to karaoke tonight? I do a pretty mean ‘Livin’ on a Prayer.’ Plus it’s dollar-off highballs.”
“Uh, I’m not sure,” I tell him, glancing at Allie, only to see her staring at the floor.
“I’m not supposed to tell you this, but the team’s been working on a song for you, to celebrate your time with us.”
