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I whip my head around and glare in their direction, giving them the international sign for “I’m watching you” made popular by the great Robert De Niro in Meet the Parents. They both do their best to look innocent, one of them looking up at the ceiling and pretending to whistle, as if I don’t know that little trick. He’s probably the spitter. But he won’t be spitting on anyone today. Not on my watch. Or, I suppose I should say, not on my listen, since it’s my hearing that saved the day this time. After a decade listening for the faintest of sounds, I’ve developed what my brother calls my bat hearing. And he’s not wrong either. I can tune into more than one conversation at a time while conducting my own. I’d make a great principal at a school for troubled youth. Or an on-top-of-it mom.
The feed starts up and the sound of a helicopter fills the room. Dr. Napper smiles at the camera. “Hello, world! I am Dr. Dick Napper, coming to you live from Mount Yasur in Tanna, Vanuatu. Today I’m not only inventing a new sport, but I’m also going to set my fifth world record. I’m about to become the first-ever person to attempt Heli-Volcano Surfing which means I’ll be dropped from this helicopter onto an active volcano with my feet hooked onto a snowboard that has been coated to withstand the heat of the terrain. No one has ever volcano surfed from a helicopter before. Mount Yasur is one of the most active volcanoes on the planet and could erupt at any moment which would mean almost certain death for me. There’s also the danger of me succumbing to the toxic fumes before I can reach the bottom, but don’t worry. I’ll be fine. Because today is simply not a good day to die.”
Mrs. Jones glares at me and I give her a sheepish look. “He’ll be fine. He’s always fine,” I assure her, even though his logic of ‘today not being a good day to die’ isn’t exactly sound.
I’m just sitting down in the empty front row when Allie hurries in and takes a seat next to me. She pulls her slightly wild, light brown hair into a scrunchie. “Oh good, I didn’t miss it.”
“You’re right on time.”
“How’s the tour going?” she whispers as we watch the Dick Cam switch to show a quickly approaching volcano.
“You know, the usual.”
“Have you met E.T.?” she asks.
“Yup. And the b.s. about it not being a real science.”
“Of course.”
“Oh, and Chad forgot to put the pics of the devil in the drawer like I asked him to, so when I took the kids into the lunch room, they all saw it.”
“Blerg,” Allie says. “That’s rough.”
“Yeah, the kids loved it, but the teacher, not so much.” I shake my head a little. “We should have gone with the twirly mustache instead of asshole this week.”
Dick’s grinning face fills up the huge screen again. “Okay, this is it! I’m ready to jump. I’d like to dedicate today’s world record to the great Daryn Webb, who invented volcano surfing to begin with. Daryn, if you’re watching on a Dick Cam somewhere, I hope to do you proud. And remember kids, don’t try this at home.” He salutes, then the feed switches to a drone shot of the outside of the helicopter, which is hovering above the volcano.
Dick dons his goggles, gives two enthusiastic thumbs up, then hops the board to the edge and wiggles until he’s out far enough for the nose to tip down and for him to free fall onto the dark grey gravel as the sound is overlaid with the techno beat of “Born Slippy” by Underworld.
Allie glances at me. “Doesn’t this seem like one of those sports that started with some guy saying, ‘Hold my beer.’”
I laugh. “Right? You wouldn’t catch me doing this for all the ore on Mars.”
We watch as Dr. Napper hits a big bump, both of us wincing. “So? Did you hear back from the realtor yet?” Allie whispers.
“Nothing yet.” The inspection on the house showed some wood rot on the exterior trim of the house, so I had the realtor ask if they’d be willing to either fix it or knock twenty grand off the price.
“I wonder what’s taking so long for the homeowners to decide?”
Shrugging, I say, “Good question. I just hope it doesn’t mean another offer came in.”
“Well, even if it doesn’t work out, another house’ll come up soon.”
“Not in my price range,” I tell her. “It’s either this one or I’ll have to give up the idea of having my own yard and just settle on a condo.”
“Either way, I’m completely jealous that you’re going to have your own home.” Allie lives with her parents. She and I used to be roommates, but her dad had a stroke three years ago so she moved back home to help out.
“You can stay over as often as you want,” I tell her.
“Believe me, I’ll be there,” she says. We’re both quiet for a moment while we watch Dick traverse the rocky decline.
The beat continues and when I look around at the kids, they’re completely riveted, some of them even dancing in their seats to the music. A smug smile crosses my lips. Best. Tour. Ever. This is a day these kids won’t soon forget.
“He’s moving fast,” Allie says.
I watch as Dr. Napper hits a bump and is lifted into the air. He lands hard, spraying rocks to both sides. “Yeah, it’s almost like he’s just on this side of being completely out of control,” I tell her, my stomach clenching with nerves from just watching.
I glance at Mrs. Jones, who shoots me a look that says, ‘this better turn out all right.’ I nod and offer her a confident smile, even though, to be totally honest, I’m suddenly terrified on his behalf. But it’ll be fine. Dr. Napper does some seriously dangerous stuff, and he’s always fine.
