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Okay, so I’m deliberately omitting the fact that I’m only going because of my vaccines in an effort to make it sound like I’m going because I have some special skills or talents that no one else on the team possesses. But if you knew my parents, you’d understand. They’re highly competitive, overly critical, and are always keeping vigil for the next disappointing thing their daughter is going to do. Therefore, I have to take every opportunity I can to pump up my own tires.
As soon as I hit send, my mom’s face lights up the screen. Crap. “Hello?”
“Gwendolyn, Peru?”
“Yes, he has some sort of adventure planned.”
She makes a tsking sound, then says, “That man always did have a flair for the dramatic.”
“I appreciated that about him. He really lived.”
“Well, all that living just killed him. I hope it’s nothing dangerous,” she says in that dry voice of hers. She would never stoop to allowing herself to sound worried because she says worrying is the most useless way to spend time and energy. But her words get the message across. She’s worried.
I think about the fact that no one with heart conditions or high blood pressure is allowed on the trip, then say, “Nope. He would’ve known that the kinds of extreme stuff he does wouldn’t be safe for most people. I’m sure it’ll be more of a sightseeing thing.”
“What about your nervous bladder? Aren’t you worried about holding people up?”
“Mom, it’s not like I have to pee every five minutes. I’ll be fine.”
“I hope so. Disneyland was an absolute nightmare with you—rushing you off to the bathroom after every ride.”
“I was eight and Disneyland is overstimulating.”
“You were nine, and it didn’t affect me like that when I was a child.”
“Well, I’m not you, Mom.”
“I’m aware of that, Gwendolyn. Now, what’s going to happen to your job?” Her tone isn’t that of a concerned mom, it’s more … hopeful that her only daughter will finally switch to a respectable career.
“I don’t know,” I tell her. No sense in pretending I do. She already knows the Sterling half of the Dick Napper and Ty Sterling Foundation has been jonesing to shut us down for years. “At this point, I can only hope for the best.”
“Sitting around hoping isn’t going to get you anywhere. You need a plan.”
“I won’t be sitting around. I’m going to Peru where I’ll have a meeting of the minds with Sterling.”
“He’s not the type of man to be talked into things.” What she really means is she doesn’t think I can talk him into it. I’ve long been considered to have the lowest intellect in the family, which isn’t exactly a badge of honor in a clan whose family crest might as well be We’re smarter than you. My choice of career definitely sealed my fate as ‘not quite as bright as her big brother.’
“All I can do is give it my best shot,” I answer, knowing how much she despises sports analogies. “And hope I don’t strike out,” I say, adding another sport to the mix just for funsies.
“Hmph, I suppose,” she says, then her tone lifts. “I can probably get you a junior professor position here. Or I’m sure Ben can get you on at NASA”
“I don’t want to work at NASA, Mom. I love what I do, and I honestly don’t have time to debate it right now,” I say before she can open up the discussion about the lack of merits of my career. We’ve been around and around this topic, only to have to agree to disagree every time.
“Fine, I understand, but let me just say this: It might not be the worst thing in the world if you move on to something else.” She means something she can tell all the other profs about at the next faculty Christmas party. “Broaden your horizons, do work that will actually reach its crest during your lifetime.”
“Or, it could be tomorrow,” I tell her for the hundredth time.
“It won’t be, Gwendolyn.”
“Mom, I really don’t have time for this.”
“I just can’t understand why you insist on?—”
“Wasting my life, I know. I’ve heard it,” I quip. “The crazy part is every time you say it, you expect me to change my mind even though past history should indicate that I won’t.”
“Are you suggesting I’m crazy?” she asks, her tone cool, even though I know she’s miffed.
“Well, you know what Einstein said about insanity.”
