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“I should say you didn’t.”
“Studies show that attractiveness is strongly correlated with obtaining positive results, such as being selected for a job or getting a bank loan.”
“But how do we choose the most attractive woman on the team?” Virgil asks him. “What is attractive to one person won’t be to another.”
“Simple: we go with the one with the most symmetrical face,” Edward answers. “That is the most accurate way of determining attractiveness. And no offense to Tina, but we should also choose someone within her child-bearing years.”
“That’s ridiculous. I’m not going to have his baby,” I snap.
“No, but Mr. Sterling is forty-one years old and his best friend just died. That’s the type of event that can get a man thinking about how short life is and what legacy he’s going to leave behind,” Virgil says.
“So, if we pursue Virgil’s line of thinking, we’re down to Allie and Gwen,” Keenan says.
“This is completely sexist,” I say.
“And ageist,” Allie adds, pointing at Tina. “I can’t even believe we’re talking about this.”
“It’s neither ageist nor sexist,” Edward says. “We’re simply looking for the strategy that will ensure the best outcome, which I think we can all agree is the most important variable we need to consider.”
“I’m afraid he’s right,” Keenan says.
My heart starts to pound. “Okay, Keenan, please say you’re not seriously listening to this. I mean, we can’t throw poor Allie—who definitely has the most symmetrical face—to the wolves like this, based purely on gender and attractiveness.”
Allie raises an eyebrow at me. “I have the most symmetrical face? I’m pretty sure that’s you.”
“You’re so sweet. But even if I did, Allie, the sale on my house is about to go through. I’ll have way too much packing to do to go traipsing off to Peru to go beg some giant asshole to let us keep our jobs.”
“If we can’t convince that giant asshole, you won’t need to worry about moving because you’ll lose your house,” Chad says.
Edward snaps his fingers. “Oh, here it is! There’s an app that measures facial symmetry. Let me download it.”
No! This is not happening. “Look, of everyone on this team, I think we can all agree I hate Ty Sterling the most. I mean, whose idea was it to put up the dartboard?”
“Yours,” Tina says.
“And who takes the time to print the photos and draw on them?” I ask.
“You,” Virgil answers.
“That’s right. It’s me, and you may not know this, but there is very little in this world that gives me as much pleasure as sketching devil horns on that man’s face.”
Edward points his phone at me. “Here. Stay still and don’t smile.”
I stare into his phone, lifting my right eyebrow slightly while attempting to drop the left side of my mouth.
“Stop making that face,” Allie says.
“What face?” I ask, tilting my head to the side.
“That face! You’re totally drooping your mouth on one side.”
“She’s right, you definitely don’t look like that,” Edward says. “Let’s start over.”
“Let’s not,” I tell him, holding up my hand to block his camera. “I will completely blow it for the team. For one thing, I have a terrible habit of saying exactly what’s on my mind. Remember when Chad got highlights? We all thought he looked ridiculous, but I only held my tongue for, what? Thirty seconds before I asked him where the other New Kids on the Block were.” I glance around wildly. “Let’s just say it, people. I’m rude.”
“You’re not rude,” Allie says. “You’re just … exceedingly honest.”
“And honestly, what’s on my mind when it comes to that man? Just pure, consuming hatred. There is literally no way I’ll be able to hide my feelings.”
