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I sat up instantly, moving across the bed to the far side in case he changed his mind. Before he could start up again, I said, "I don't know how long I'm going to be gone, Mark. I know what the assignment is, okay? I know where I'm going to be. I know very little more than that. I don't have a cover yet." Though probably I'd just be Lily, resurfacing after the death of her man. Looking for something new, someone new. "I don't know exactly what I'm going after. I don't know how long it will be. I can try to send you messages – "
I can't! I can't!
"But it puts me in danger and it puts everyone else in some danger and it's not fair."
"It's not fair." He said it so flatly I felt sick. "How about fair to me?"
I stood on the far side of the bed, wishing I had a direct line between me and the door. Not because I wanted to run from the relationship.
Because I wanted to run from whoever Mark had turned into.
"I don't know how long I'll be gone. I know what I'm doing is important and it matters. You do too. You've seen the results of what I'm fighting. You've seen kids brought in who die on the tables. You've seen – "
"Fuck!" He slammed a hand down on the bed. "Of course I have. Of course I know what you're doing. I just think you've done it. When is our time?"
"When will you be done with residencies? When will you not be the walking dead when you get home and when will you have more than one day off a month? When – "
"It's not the same!"
"It's exactly the same! Do you think you're the only one saving lives?"
We glared at each other, standing tense and unmoving across the bed, until all at once Mark seemed to crumble. His hands fell down by his sides. He looked at me sadly. "No. But I think I'm the only one trying to save yours."
He was in the living room when I came out of the bedroom. I'd showered and dressed in jeans and a t-shirt and I wasn't due to go anywhere for another few days and I didn't want to go like this. Not with everything so messed up between us.
Maybe some of the therapy had taken. I wasn't just going to throw our relationship out the window and run away. That was new.
Maybe the therapy with Cole would take too and everything would move back to an even keel. Maybe I'd feel I'd done my bit for God and country and I could ride a desk and maybe Mark would still be waiting when that happened.
Only that seemed more like a prison sentence from where I was now.
Maybe that would change too. I'd give it time to show me one way or the other.
"Mark?"
He was sitting on the couch in the nearly dark living room. Outside it was raining again. "Love."
My heart broke a little then. I crossed the room without looking to see if I had an invitation and slipped onto the couch beside him. His arm went around my shoulders and pulled me close.
"I don't know if it helps, but this isn't about you. It isn't about you and me. This is just something I have to do," I said. My head was on his shoulder.
"I know." He kissed my hair, then laid his cheek against my head.
"I love you. I really do love you."
"I know," he said again, and just when I thought he wasn't going to, he said, "I love you, too. Annie Knox."
My name seemed kind of added on there. "What?"
"Just wondering who you are when you're not Annie Knox."
"Nobody you'd want to know." Only I kind of liked Lily. Lily's story was one of hard luck and tough choices. Lily lost Jesse and had to keep going. Sometimes it felt like Lily had all the strength I wanted to have.
We were quiet for a while, watching the rain fall onto the terrace, illuminated by one of the streetlights. Even in the summer there's something about a rainy night that can feel cozy if you're safe inside with someone you love. The silence between us was comfortable for the first time in a long time.
Finally I said, "What are you going to do?"
Mark blew out a sigh. "I'm going to wait for you. This time. I'm going to stay here and I'm going to work my rotations. I'm going to try and like your dad."
