AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I was exactly where I didn’t want to be. If I walked away now, I knew I would lose him forever. “We are together. I want this. I’ve never stopped wanting this.” I opened my mouth to explain all those things that seemed so important earlier, but whatever words I hoped might describe what I was going through wouldn’t come. “I don’t know why I can’t do this right now. I only know it doesn’t feel right.”
I felt the blow to his stomach when he gasped, his head dropping back slightly as he released his grip on me. A sinking sensation shrunk me as he staggered backward, running his fingers through his hair. “Wow. I’m not, um, I’m not sure what to say to that.”
My fingers slid down his arm as I sighed and went back to making the bed. “I’m not saying I don’t want to live here with you. It’s just” — once the sheet was secure, I moved back around him and pulled the top one off the pile and shook it out — “this is moving too fast for me.”
Pulling the other side out, he straightened the wrinkles from his end. “That’s weird, because I thought it couldn’t happen quick enough.”
The moment I picked up the empty pillowcases, I understood what a terrible thing I was doing. How could I be so careless with this man, and home, and bed I love so much? But I just couldn’t figure out how to walk back what I said anymore or if I even wanted to. “I forgot to buy pillows. God, I’m so stupid.”
He laid his hands on my shoulder and turned me around. “Is there something you’re not telling me?” The pillowcases bunched in my fists as he pulled me closer to him. “Did Travis say something to you about…”
“What?” Sure, Dom had been jealous of other guys paying attention to me, but he never dropped that mess on my lap before. “No. It’s nothing like that.” As much of his scrub top as I could work into my fingers, I did so he couldn’t pull away from me. “I’m just…” I had everything I wanted under one roof, so why couldn’t I just be happy about it? “I’m so overwhelmed by all this. Please, just give me a minute to breathe, Dom.”
Always taking care of me first, even when I was hurting him, he put his arms around me and kissed the top of my head as I locked my hands around his back. “I’m not backing out on you and don’t want to lose you. I just need some time with this. Please don’t be mad at me.”
His fingers curled into my hair and pulled me out of his chest. “I’m not mad at you.” Rubbing his nose over mine, he smiled back at me as his tongue licked a tear away from his lips. “Disappointed and a little hurt.” Holding his breath, he gently rocked his head back and forth until he finally blew it out all over me. “Heartbroken but not mad.” I wish he would’ve yelled at me, punched a wall, or slammed a door as he kicked me out. That would have felt better than knowing he was blaming himself instead. “Not at you.”
He only rubbed his thumbs over my cheeks, poisoning himself with all that pain he swallowed. “This is our home, and you don’t even need to tell me you’re coming. All you have to do is show up.” Moaning gently to himself as he pushed his eyes together, he shook his head. “I’ll be so happy to come home from work and find you here.”
The words were right. Always. He never said a cruel word to me in my life. But when his fingers arched away from me, and he cracked his neck as he backed off, I saw the storm in his eyes. “It’s late, baby. You should probably get out of here now.” I reached out to kiss him, and he put his hand on my back to push me to the door instead. “I’ll see you at lunch tomorrow.”
I grabbed my purse from the counter before he rushed me past it, but when he reached for the door, I slid out of his hold on me and grabbed his shirt. “I’m sorry.”
The outside light flipped on, and he shook his head at the floor so he didn’t have to look at me. “I told you it’s okay. I’ll see you in the morning.”
Everything was slipping away, and anything I said only made his ears redder and his eyes darker. “I love you.”
Pulling my hand off his shirt, he motioned outside with his head, his teeth clenching together as he pushed his words through them. “I love you, too. Text me when you get home.”
As soon as I stepped outside, he closed the door behind me, and I sensed his eyes on me until I got around the corner.
Every foot further I drove away, the guilt in my chest got heavier, and by the time I got to the end of the driveway, I could hardly even breathe at all.
I got to the traffic light right before the interstate turnoff and sat there through the red signal, only staring at the sign and wondering if Dom wouldn’t have been better off if I hadn’t come home again.
38
Happiness
Faith
I kind of wished I was back in my apartment in the city again when I woke up in my tiny single bed.
Something about only going through the motions every day like a robot was comforting. That life I left behind when I moved back here may have been predictable and meaningless, but I only had myself to worry about.
Sometimes, I regretted not having a husband and a houseful of kids waiting for me. The idea of trying to keep everyone happy at the same time just seemed like a fantasy, though. And now that I’d screwed up again with the one man I ever imagined having any of that with, a happily ever after was even more of a stupid fairytale.
I spent the shower absentmindedly washing my hair too long while trying to figure out why I was really dragging my feet about this thing. Like I could just wash away all those fears and come out free to love Dom the way he deserved, I let the water run over me until I shivered.
After every swipe of my mascara or brush of my hair, I touched my phone’s screen to check for any messages from him.
I wasn’t surprised, though, when I only got my daily notification from the weather app. But knowing how much I hurt him and being terrified to find out what the consequences were going to be made me want to crawl back into bed and hide from the world for the next day or two.
The suitcase full of things I was going to take to the house yesterday was still sitting at the foot of my bed, and my fingers hesitated when I passed it to curl around the handle.
Giving in would have been so easy for me. It’s what I wanted, but that nagging thing in my belly made me walk away without it.
Dad was pouring my coffee when I entered the kitchen, and he smiled when I came through the doorway. “Good morning.”
