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I hurt everyone I ever loved, but I wasn’t in the right headspace yet to realize the extent of the damage I’d done by just disappearing.
Each day that passed, the idea that I could go home and say sorry became less believable. Those demons in my head that sounded like Donna Vasser telling me I was only some waste of life bringing Dom down got louder now that I didn’t have him to drown them out again. So I was more convinced than ever I’d done the best thing for us both.
I stared out at the moon hanging over the compound my mother lived at and wondered how the hell I was going to make it in the real world. Dom had everything figured out for us already, and I hadn’t even considered any other possibilities about what I’d do after high school.
Then, there was the ache in my belly that craved having Dom inside me that was unbearable, and I thought I might just fall over and die if I couldn’t touch him again.
Hearing footsteps behind me, I turned back to find my mother setting a tray with a pitcher of iced tea on the metal bistro table. “I haven’t seen you eat or drink a thing since you got here. So come and have a drink with me.”
I pulled the little chair across the concrete floor of Gloria’s deck as she poured me a glass. “Thank you.”
She sat across from me, and we fell into a heavy quiet, the only sound the gentle lapping of the ocean waves against the shore.
Releasing a deep breath as she twiddled her thumbs together, she broke the silence first. “I want to explain why I left, because I think it might help you gain some perspective on your situation.”
Shaking her head, she gazed out at the bonfire her nearly naked hippie friends huddled around. “Me leaving had nothing to do with you or your father. I loved you both more than anything in this world.”
This was a different person than the one who left me behind. She seemed happy and grown up and at peace with herself instead of the woman who spent almost all her time with her mouth wrapped around a bottle of vodka. “But after I became a wife and mother, I realized it wasn’t what I wanted.”
I scoffed at her, and she shifted to catch my eyes as they rolled away. “I mean, everyone tells women that’s what we’re supposed to do. Right?”
My eyes fell back to the table, and she sank into her chair more. “So, I did what every other girl I graduated with was doing, but instead of feeling fulfilled as a person, I felt trapped.”
Her fingertips bunched at the center of her chest. “My soul was telling me if I stayed in that little town, I would never be happy, and neither would anyone else I cared about. Being a normal worker bee around all those narrow-minded people would never lead me to my higher purpose.”
I always hoped I’d get some closure from my mother about abandoning us, but hearing her explanation only pushed the knife in deeper. She wasn’t a bit sorry for what she’d done, but she was right — I couldn’t help but notice the common thread in our stories.
I couldn’t get through a single sentence without crying and barely even squeaked out, “That’s what I told him. I want him to have everything his heart desires, and he’ll never have any of that if he stays there with me.”
Gloria reached out to squeeze my hand. “This isn’t about him, Faith. I’m telling you this for you.”
She nodded at me as she leaned in closer. “You need to forget who Dominic’s girlfriend is supposed to be and discover who Faith is. You’re so young and shouldn’t settle for the life you think you might want.” Bouncing our hands against the table, she bobbed her head back at me. “You want to be sure that’s what you want.”
Honestly, I had only ever seen myself as Dom’s. So when he told me about all the plans he made for us, I never even thought to question it. He just seemed so sure of everything that I assumed he knew what was best for us both.
I was only a feather in the wind, and I didn’t have a clue about where I might land. All I had was this far-out-there woman in front of me to point me in the right direction. “You’ll regret it every day of your life if you don’t figure out who you are as a human being before you settle down with someone.”
Shaking her head at me, she laid her hand over her heart. “Love doesn’t die, Faith. It lives right here. If the two of you are meant to be together, you’ll find a way back to each other, no matter what stands in your way.”
Her cheek bunched back at me when she shrugged. “Just look at me and you right now.”
Gloria was the only person I knew outside the town I grew up in. Where the hell else was I going to go, lady?
I sighed as I stared out at the moonlight flickering on the ocean until she set down her glass, her lips breaking apart when she swallowed. “You’re doing the right thing, Faith. Maybe not for the right reasons, but the outcome will be the same.”
Her finger beat at the table so I’d look at her again. “Use this time to find yourself. Find a job.” She fluttered her eyes up to the sky. “Have other lovers. Go to school. Travel.” All her fingers scurried across the table at me. “Dabble your toes in all those things you never dreamed you would ever do until you find the thing that speaks to your soul.”
The teenage me who would never really forgive her for ditching me wasn’t trying to hear what she was saying, and I shook my head as she rose from her chair to join her friends. “You deserve everything your heart desires, too. Always remember that.”
I knew I’d ruined everything between me and Dom, and even if I had the money to drive back now, there was nothing to go back to. He’d be starting a whole new life somewhere else in another month and would never forgive me, anyway.
So, instead of running back to the life I actually wanted, I circled that job ad in the newspaper with my drawing pencil and decided then I would never go home again.
15
Memory Lane
Dominic
