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“Okay, well, I am not sure what you think I need to talk about,” Quinn admitted. “But I appreciate the offer, even if I don’t know what to do with it.” His statement might have sounded sarcastic coming from someone else, but he was just being honest.
“Considering your recent upheaval, your newfound relationships aboard this ship, including Watson, and your lack of understanding of social cues, though I know you can figure out most on your own, I am sure you will eventually find something.”
A file only told Quinn so much, but from what Quinn discerned, Kira trusted this man. Otherwise, she would have never brought him to Toke.
“I mean... I suppose so.” Quinn frowned slightly. When he was younger, there had been therapists, but like everyone else, they were instructed to keep him at arm’s length while evaluating his mental health. Everything he said was reported directly to Paradigm and at a certain point, he just started lying to them.
Lately, he supposed he had been confiding in Kira, mostly about the mental breakdowns she caused and then helped him through by not leaving him alone. But without the pressure of something giving him an anxiety attack, he wasn’t actually sure what to tell the Vicar about.
“I mean,” Quinn began. “Relationship wise, it all seems pretty straightforward to me. I am infatuated with Kira. Watson is fixated on her. Kira isn’t sure how she feels, but knows she doesn’t want either of us trying to manipulate her. I am just enjoying what time I can get with her and trying to work on my social skills. The latter due to a comment Watson made, which, while insulting, was accurate enough for me to consider. I thought it would make Kira happy, so I decided it was worth doing.” He paused as he considered this and then shrugged. “Beyond that, I have clear signs of social anxiety, depression, insomnia, and a host of other issues. Although these are all rooted in my nurturing as a child and the experiments performed on me rather than my nature, seeing as my genome was programmed prior to birth to avoid the genetic disposition to such things. So if you just wanted to hear my problems, I guess there you are?”
Quinn didn’t really feel any different from expressing them. It all seemed obvious to him.
Max, during his monologue, kept quiet, reflective. His hands were in his pockets, still a hip bumped up against the table. “It sounds as if you are struggling, and now that you have time to consider them fully, you have. Though you cannot do things simply because you are trying to please someone else. That is a path that is hard to recover from as well. As for the rest, I assume with your implants you’re averse to taking medication to fix your brain chemistry?”
The look Quinn gave Max as he informed him he couldn’t do things just for another person was best described as flat. More accurately, though, it resided in the realm of condescending, since Quinn knew he could do things for another person, as that was what he was currently doing. Still, he would not argue with the Vicar over an opinion, as that seemed fruitless.
“Considering that any substance that alters brain chemistry has a chance of interacting poorly with the implants in my brain up to and including causing an aneurysm, No. I am not keen on rolling those statistical dice.” Alterations to his chemistry were unavoidable, but suddenly introducing an influx of a chemical through a pill or substance in large, unnaturally occurring quantities was a giant risk.
Max appeared nonplussed, which seemed to be his usual expression when he wasn’t smiling. “Then I suppose you will have to do it the natural way. Find things that interest you and make you happy outside of the Captain. Exercise is one way; it naturally releases endorphins in the brain. We have a room for it. Or you could do morning runs with Kira if the mood strikes you. Although, I do not know if you’ll be able to keep pace. The only one capable thus far has been Rick.”
“I picked up the guitar and have been learning how to play it.” He left out that he’d started because Kira had suggested it. He found he enjoyed the act of creating music, even if his fingers couldn’t quite match what was in his mind yet. “I also have my workout equipment in my room. I’ve been doing two-hour workouts a day since I finished work on the ship.” He intended that as a statement of fact if not intent, since he would be in the gym to run with Kira in the morning if it was an option. He would mention it to her the next time he saw her. Any reason to spend more time with her he was happy to take.
“Good, it sounds as if my suggestions are not needed then. If you’re staying here, I could use the help to collect things for Hela if you’re willing.”
“I mean, they were excellent suggestions.” The dead leaves plucked off, the ripe tomatoes off the vine, and the bucketful left him little else to do so he nodded.
“Thank you.”
Quinn took his words at face value.
Max broke the silence a moment later by saying softly, “I rarely speak openly of my friends, but I will say that the Captain, while confused, is not wholly without feelings for you as well, from what I have seen. She values what you have together.”
A long period of silence came from Quinn before he said, “She values our friendship.” The part he didn’t want to confront was how he continued to downplay his own emotions and hopes for Kira’s emotions to match in order to shield himself. He’d become a lot more open in the last few weeks, but he wasn’t completely done cutting himself off, not yet.
“Are you sure that’s all?”
“It has to be,” was the answer he finally gave, looking away from the vicar. The memory from earlier in the day played on a loop in the corner of his eyes, repeatedly.
Max lowered his chin, a thoughtful nod given as they worked on collecting other ingredients, pruning, and repotting. When they finished, Max even invited him to the dining hall to play Quest, something Quinn questioned immediately before being informed it was a card game.
Kira received a message from Quinn later on asking, “Should I play Quest with Alec, Max, and Rick?”
“Only if you’re willing to not look up the answers.’’ The voice message back was playful. She sounded as if she was smiling.
“Okay.”
Returning to his room, Quinn settled in. A lot flooded through his mind, and he ultimately shut off his neural net to block out the noise.
“What the hell am I doing?” He asked the empty room as he tried to get the image of Kira looking at him in the hydroponics bay out of his mind.
When he arrived in the mess, he found Rick involved in a game with Alec. There was more swearing on Alec’s end. Rick was quiet, calculated. He moved with precision and poise and gave looks under his brows that would have frightened anyone attempting to fight him. Max fiddled in the kitchen putting together bowls of apple pie and ice cream.
Remembering his promise to Kira, he entered with only his own wits to guide him. Approaching the table, Max caught sight of him first. The boys said hello, which was really Alec dropping a grumbling utterance as he moved his cards, and Rick looking in his direction. Rick he’d not met yet. The security officer, a brooding man with dark hair and eyes. He wondered if Kira thought to use him as an example instead of Morgan when she’d mentioned attractive crew members. Objectively, his programming could determine he was that, but according to his file, he was human but modified.
Max, seemingly always cheerful, said, “Glad you could join us! I have ice cream and apple pie. If you’re interested, I’ll set up another bowl.”
“Uh, okay.”
