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“It’s not a problem to care for someone.” She never wanted him to think that. “I was just saying that you weren’t interested in companionship, so you weren’t actually ‘looking’ at them.”
“It feels like a problem.” Quinn went back to mixing condiments. “It feels like I am being rude to you or something. I’ve never... noticed anyone in that way. The first time I had it was the only person I would call a friend. It feels wrong to...”
“Like how they look?” Now she knew it would be necessary to bring up her own thoughts on the matter. “You’ve yet to meet our pilot, Morgan, but I am sure you’ve looked at his file. Morgan is a very attractive man. I’ve told him as much. I don’t fancy him in a romantic light, but if I met him in a bar somewhere, I might have drank with him and admired him in the same way. Just because I think he’s attractive does not make it difficult to know that our relationship is meant for friendship. He’s become like a brother to me.”
“I’ve seen.” Quinn shifted slightly at the information. “I don’t like this. I feel all knotted up and I don’t know what I am supposed to do.”
He closed his eyes, breathing slowly through his nose.
“I’m probably not the right person to be talking about this. Max would be more suited, probably.” Wiping her hands clean she touched his shoulder lightly. “I didn’t mean to put you through this.”
“I don’t know.” He repeated. “I was, I enjoy your company. I just, it’s gotten, hard.”
She knew he was utterly unaware of the inadvertent double entendre. Biting the inside of her cheek, she swallowed her laughter. “That’s part of relationships. It’s dealing with those hard parts. People are difficult. What I spoke of before, about not being able to fix everyone and everything, this is why. There’s not always an easy answer, but when you truly care about something, you work through those hard parts because there’s always good there too.”
“It hurts though.”
“Does it outweigh the good?”
“I don’t know. In terms of anguish, I would say somewhere between an 8-10. Happiness is kind of moving from a 6 to an 8. In terms of length of time, more good than bad, but in terms of intensity-”
Frowning at his system, she stopped him by cutting him off. “Quinn, you can’t measure your emotions in numbers. It’s a simple yes or no question. Do you enjoy your time enough with me for it to outweigh the embarrassment you felt and to work through it?”
She hoped the answer was yes. Obviously, he kept showing up to see her.
“I…I think so.” He had not taken a bite of his meal for a while, but he’d also stopped placing slivers of onions on different pieces. “I don’t know, though.”
“Well.” Rising, she picked up her own trash. Her meal hardly touched. Even if she’d sorted out things, his inability to decide was hard on her as well. “Will you let me know when you figure it out?” She stepped past him, looking down as she walked to prevent him from seeing the emotions on her face.
“How do I figure it out?” He sat completely still, focused, yet not- not on her.
“I-” It was her turn to tell him she didn’t know because it wasn’t something that could be taught. “I don’t know, Quinn.”
She wiped at her eyes, knowing this might be the end of something that was just beginning. “Maybe-” the word sounded stunted in her mouth as she tried to get it out. “You should look at examples or talk to Max, or anyone. I think I’m just causing more problems by confusing the matter.”
“I don’t want to talk to Max about it. I want,” He flinched, physically drawing back as if he recognized what he saw in her, as though he saw pain for the first time, or anger, recoiling. “It doesn’t matter. I’ll just, I’ll fix this. That is what I do. I fix things. I solve problems. I can solve this.”
“It’s not a problem you can solve like that, Quinn.” A muscle flexed in her cheek. “I just don’t want you to isolate yourself again. I know that I’m going to lose you eventually, but until then I don’t…”
“It’s all chemicals.” He looked at her with a mixture of annoyance and desperation in his features. “I can make something to modulate them. It shouldn’t be hard, a scanner to monitor level, some kind of injector to modulate them. I should be able to just turn them right off and then this will stop happening and we will both stop hurting. I can fix this, I can fix this.”
“Don’t you dare!” She crossed the small space, throwing down her trash in her flurry of emotion. This time he would not escape her grasp as she forced him to look up at her by putting her hands more gently on his face than she felt like doing. “Quinn, you can’t just turn things on and off. You’re not a machine. You are a living, breathing thing, and you can’t change that just because you wish to. If you shut things off, you’re no longer who you are and while things may be better for you, they won’t be better for anyone else.”
“Why not?” He demanded. “I can figure it out. I can fix it. We are just computers made of meat at the end of the day. You’re saying that things won’t be better, but things aren’t good now, clearly. If I can fix this, then I will know exactly how I feel. Then I can answer your question and you won’t have to be upset.”
“I’m not upset because you can’t answer the question.” Dropping her hands, all she could think of was how thick-headed he was. “I’m worried that I will lose you because you’re so concerned about how I’m going to react and how you are going to react because you can’t sort out your emotions. If you turn them off, if you find a way, I’m done.”
“What?” Quinn frowned in obvious confusion. “I just, I can’t hurt you Kira, and I am hurting myself and I just, I am so tired of hurting all the time.”
Dropping to her knees and reaching out, she hoped he wouldn’t draw away when she tried to embrace him and draw him close, thankful he stiffened but didn’t move. Running her hand over his back, she failed to contain herself. A few tears fell loose over his shoulder.
“That’s part of being normal too, Quinn,” she told him. “I wish I could take it all away, that I could make it better, but all I can do is just be here for you. I can listen and be here.”
“But, if I can’t fix it, and I don’t know how to talk about it-” he shuddered as he trailed off, every breath came quicker than the last.
“You’ll learn how to talk about it.” Turning her face slightly into his shoulder so he couldn’t see her fully, she said, “Just be right now, Quinn. Just be here with me. It’s okay.”
It was all she could do for him. She knew applying a gentle pressure through touch could be soothing. He still had not learned how to really do it back, but she didn’t care. It didn’t matter. She simply wanted him to know that someone cared. Someone was there for him.
