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“Okay. I don’t know what more there is to say about it.”
“You don’t think you’re being a little rash?”
“Why? You’re the one who always calls him a dick. I’m just finally beginning to agree with you.”
“Yeah, but I talk smack about everyone. I never thought you would take me seriously. I don’t live with the guy,” she said, concern filling her eyes.
“You’re right; you don’t.” The concern did not waver, so I closed my notebook and set it aside. “How many times have I said that I wanted to travel the world, that I wanted to go on an adventure? Tons. And I always thought that Fred felt the same way, but when I really look back on it, I realize he was just placating me. ‘Yeah, sure, of course. Whatever you want.’ The more I think about it, that’s all he really did. You want to know the real reason I was looking forward to this anniversary, this vacation? I was hoping that he would finally pay attention to me and propose. How deluded is that? I’ve been depressed and lonely for almost a year and I’m hoping to be married to that? It’s ridiculous. And I’m just waking up to it. I’m waking up to five wasted years.”
She sat up and leveled me with her stare. “Okay, I understand your train of thought. But after only about a week of being away from him, and being all mopey and sad, suddenly you’re over it?”
“Yes,” I said without hesitation.
She blinked in disbelief. “Just like that? Honey, don’t you think you should discuss it with Fred first?”
“Why? He didn’t feel the need to discuss Chicago with me,” I snipped, starting to feel a little angry.
“Well that’s my point. You have been patiently waiting for him to do something for you, but maybe he just doesn’t know that that’s what you want. Just leaving him wouldn’t be giving him a chance to change.”
“But I have voiced my desires for adventure repeatedly in the past. If he hasn’t caught on, then he hasn’t been listening. I mentioned wanting adventure one time to Jason, and he brought us ziplining the very next day. It’s not that I’m not speaking loud enough, it’s that he refuses to listen. In fact, funny story—”
“Okay,” she interrupted. “But where are you going to live? You say you’re moving out, but where are you going to go while you look for a place?”
“He’s in Chicago until the end of the month. I have time to look before I go.”
“Yeah, but—”
“Nikki, stop. I’ve made up my mind. Don’t try to talk me out of it. You might think I have vacation goggles on and am jumping to an irrational conclusion, but seriously, I haven’t been this clear-headed in a very long time. Don’t I deserve to live my life for me? I can’t keep waiting for him to wake up and see me. I haven’t even made a decision in years without asking someone’s opinion first, or having them tell me outright what I should do. It’s time for me to step up and do what I want to do.” Too frustrated to say anything more, I stood, grabbed a towel, and went to take a shower.
I’ll tell her about last night later. When I’ve calmed down.
Really hearing myself say the things I had said to Nikki was unbelievable. My pulse raced with fear and adrenaline. It was empowering. I hadn’t lived alone in a long time. Before I lived with Fred, I lived with a roommate who was rarely around. It was the closest I got to living alone. Before that, I still lived with my parents, and I wasn’t going back to that. Besides, I still had a little money leftover after this trip, and my book sales weren’t a horrible income.
Nikki called into the bathroom a couple minutes later. “Hey, Jason’s here. If you want to hang out, we’ll meet you at the bar.”
“Okay,” I called back, rinsing shampoo out of my hair.
I blow-dried my hair, fluffing and lightly combing it with my fingers. I decided that I liked the way it looked down for once, the natural waves of red cascading over my shoulders in a devil-may-care manner, so I chose not to braid it or pull it back into my trademark low ponytail. Still feeling adventurous, I put on my bikini. The blue and white sarong I had bought specifically to go with it had been put to poor use as a shawl so far, so I draped it across my hips and tied it to the side—the side that didn’t have a purple hickey poking out from my bottoms. As I made my way out the door, I gave myself a cursory glance, smiled with approval, and closed the door behind me.
How could I have been so self-conscious and scared to wear this outfit? As I passed, I could see a couple of men smiling at me. And a few women, too. But to be honest, I didn’t care how I looked to them. The sun warmed my skin where it touched, and the light breeze cooled it, keeping me feeling comfortable as I never thought I could be in such an outfit.
I made my way to the hotel bar just off the beach and quickly found Nikki and Jason sitting at a little table under an umbrella. Nikki had found a bright pink flower and put it in her hair over her left ear. I had thought about doing the same, but most things I had put over my ears had always found a way to fall out of place within seconds of placement.
Nikki caught sight of me first, her jaw dropping in comical shock as her eyes raked over me from head to toe. “Holy shit, Gemma. You look… you look hot!”
Jason turned to see me, and I could tell he was impressed. “No more one-piece?” he asked. His appreciation of my form was evident, and I thrilled at his gaze.
I sat between them at the circular table and smiled. “It didn’t feel like it fit my new carefree attitude.” I turned to Nikki and laughed. “Nik, it’s not like my tits are something you’ve never seen before.”
Her eyes jumped back to my face. “I know but… now they’re just… out there. They’re tasting freedom and sunshine. Hell, they look like they’re downright rejoicing.” Her eyes drifted back down as she took another sip from her frozen drink.
“Question for the council,” said Jason. “How do breasts rejoice?”
Nikki shrugged. “Just look at them. Have you ever seen a happier pair?”
Jason cleared his throat loudly and averted his eyes. “I plead the fifth.”
I made a note to bring that up with him later.
