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This man is a nurturer, a caretaker. He has so much love to give, it breaks my heart that he’s spent so many years alone, trying desperately to be the perfect role model for his son.
I watch as he sits down on the small bed in the corner, the only furniture in the room other than the small desk and dresser. He folds his hands, looking up at me.
“I’m not really like that, you know.”
I open my mouth to protest but then realize I don’t have any idea what he’s trying to say. “What do you mean?”
Ben lets out a sigh and looks around the room again before meeting my eye. “That guy on the island, vacation Ben. I’ve never met him before. I liked him, and I know you liked him, too. But that’s not me.”
I shake my head and start to speak but he raises a hand to stop me.
“One of the first things that went through my mind, when I realized that you and Ainsley knew each other, was that he was going to tell you the truth about me.”
Tears spring to my eyes and I hold my breath. He has something he needs to say and it’s time I started listening.
“The shame of being with someone he dated came later. It was followed by the shame of being lied to.” He shakes his head once more to stop my protests. “I know. I know what I said. What I always say about going for what you want in whatever way you need to. But I wasn’t prepared for how it would feel to have it turned on me like that. To realize that this person who I thought I was forming a deep connection with was someone I didn’t know at all. It only shined a light on the fact that I was just as big of a liar. You might have fallen for vacation Ben, but that guy doesn’t exist here. So, unless you want to move to the Merit house and see me twice a year when I can get away from this mess, I don’t see how we move forward.”
My breath is coming in short, shallow gasps as I try to keep myself from losing it completely. The sadness of this situation is threatening to eat me alive and I’m not sure I have the words to fight my way out of it.
But I’ve made my decision. I have to try.
I walk over and sit beside him on the single bed. He doesn’t reach for me, but doesn’t shift away, so I take that as a good sign. I lay a hand on his shoulder and let it run down the smooth fabric of his suit jacket until it’s resting on his hand. When I glance up, he’s watching me.
“I didn’t fall for vacation Ben. I fell for this, right here.” I lay my hand on his chest, right over his heart. After a second, he places his hand on mine.
“You showed me how deeply you can care about people, how deeply you love. You showed me a world where people matter so much that you’re willing to scour the globe for them. You are so caring and so loyal. You dropped everything to help your employees when they were in need. You opened your heart and your home to me, showed me a kind of love that I’ve never experienced before. Even if you didn’t call it love, I knew it was. I?—”
I break off and close my eyes, taking deep breaths to try to get through this without sobbing. “I’ve never had anyone care for me like you did. I’ve spent my time dating being dragged through short ‘take it or leave it’ flings with guys who couldn’t care less if I was even there. I thought that’s what love was. I thought that’s what I had to look forward to my whole life. But then you came along. I knew who you were, and I never intended to fall for you like I did, but when I saw the man you were, the man you are, it showed me a world that I never imagined possible. A world where someone saw me and cared for me.”
Ben’s eyes are closed when I glance up, but he’s still holding my hand tightly over his heart. “Ainsley did tell me about you. He told me that you’re the greatest man he’s ever known. That you’re strong and loyal and kind. That you’re fair and levelheaded. That he aspires to be like you when he grows up, just in a different work outfit.” I break off and let out a small sad laugh, which sounds a lot like a sob.
Ben’s eyes open and he looks right into mine.
“He told me that any woman would be lucky to have you. And at that moment, even though you were gone and I thought I’d lost you forever, I still felt lucky.”
Ben’s lips hit mine with a force that would have knocked me onto my back if he didn’t also wrap an arm around me. The feeling of him pressed against me feels like a rush of pleasure and a dam breaking. All the tears I’d managed to hold back come rushing out. He kisses me anyway, his cheeks getting as wet as mine. The taste of salt filling both of our mouths.
When he pulls away, I’m panting.
He presses his forehead to mine and we breathe together for a long moment.
“My life is so boring,” he says finally.
I laugh in surprise, reaching up to wipe my tears and pull back to look at him. “What do you mean? You just told me that you went grocery shopping.”
Ben’s eyes close as his mouth spreads into a smile. The first I’ve seen in a while, and I rejoice.
“I put my whole life on hold to take care of my son. I focused all my energy on that. Focusing on other things is new, and I’m not sure how good I'm going to be at it yet.”
“We’ll figure it out together.”
He pulls away from me then and holds my head in both hands, facing him. He’s shaking his head, but it seems more resigned than anything. “I’ll just hold you back.”
I shake my head so quickly it breaks free from his grip. “That's impossible. You can’t hold me back if you’re the life I want.”
“You can’t know if this is the life you want.”
“We can’t know anything about the future. All we can know is what we want and how we feel and then we go from there.”
