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Of course. She finally allowed herself to surrender to Erin, tried to embrace the unknown and think with her heart instead of her head. And now? She doesn’t even know if it was worth it, if there will be enough time to start living like she should have from the beginning.
Julia - 12:42 p.m.
Hey stranger.
Erin - 12:42 p.m.
I’m going to propose something, and you have to promise me you’ll consider it.
Julia - 12:43 p.m.
Propose? Erin Calanis, I barely know you.
Erin - 12:44 p.m.
Haha
Erin - 12:44 p.m.
I would like to take you out tomorrow night.
Shit.
Julia - 12:45 p.m.
I have something going on already… Raincheck?
Julia watched as those three little dots appeared and then disappeared.
Julia - 12:45 p.m.
I promise.
Erin began typing again, those same little blue dots, but she didn’t respond. Julia rolled back over, burying her face into the comforter to drown out the light. She laid there, the night moving on around her as she hoped the quietness would just shut up for once. Morning came and past, the sheets creased with wrinkles beneath her. She didn’t have the energy to get up.
As the sun began to set once again–her room highlighted in the most beautiful marigold hue–she inched herself closer to the edge of the bed. The clock on the wall ticked towards six. She didn’t have much time to pull herself together into a presentable adult.
While studying for her doctorate, she remembered reading that a psychologist somewhere–maybe Sweden or Norway–determined that taking scalding hot showers is a type of self-harm. Only now did Julia understand.
She stood underneath the boiling water until her skin matched the same shade as her lips. The way that water beat off her back, the sting beneath her skull, made her numb body feel something. She wanted to feel anything other than the anesthetic that coursed through her veins, the heaviness of the concrete that filled her limbs.
After she got out, careful not to touch her body too much or linger in front of the mirror, she pulled on a tan pair of cropped pants and a white blouse. A dark sweater slung over her shoulders as she slipped into heels. Her long blonde hair was curled perfectly, and it fell in tangled waves of her back. She forced herself to put on makeup, hiding the puffiness of her face that no amount of sleep would remedy.
She arrived at Rosana’s Hall early, just like promised. She sat in the warm car after she arrived, her forehead pressed against the steering wheel. She didn’t want to go in–didn’t want to give Keegan the chance to see her eyes and wonder if something was wrong.
She felt afraid, unsure of absolutely every choice she made up to that point. Everything is wrong. Everything but the way Erin’s body melted beneath her touch. And she wanted that, craved the feeling that would allow the butterflies to stop fluttering in her stomach.
A knock on her window jerked her into an upright position. She almost smacked her head on the roof of her car as she gripped the steering wheel for dear life, like that would save her if an intruder was trying to get into the vehicle.
Keegan stared at her from outside the window, a grin splitting her face in half. Julia took a deep breath, steadying her shaking hands before grabbing her purse and meeting her out in the cool March breeze.
“Thank you for coming.” Keegan hugged her with a strong grip and Julia almost lost her composure in that familiar contact.
She wanted to tell her so she could hold her and remind her that everything would be okay. She just wanted to hear those words, but she couldn’t. Not tonight. Keegan needed this.
“Anything for you,” Julia said, smiling as they pulled away.
“So, that means–”
