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Julia slowly stepped closer to Erin, one foot hesitating behind the other. Before she even realized what she was doing, she brought one hand up and placed it on Erin’s warm cheek. Instead of pulling away like Erin had every right to do, like she should want to do, she rested her face in Julia’s hand and closed her eyes. The way she melted into Julia’s touch sent warm shivers up her arm.
It looked as if this was something they did, as if that very moment was a routine for both of them. The way Erin softened into Julia was as natural as the sun rising, as natural as the way the moon reflects off murky ponds. The world tugged at their fabric.
It wasn’t like they didn’t have a choice. It wasn’t the feeling that you would end up in that spot, regardless of what you really wanted. It wasn’t that the world chose it for them. It was that no matter what they would have done, they would make any choice that led them back there.
“You have it all wrong,” Julia whispered with an exhale of air she couldn’t hold back.
Erin opened her eyes and looked just slightly up to meet Julia’s. Those crystal-clear green galaxies made Julia shake her head in disbelief. She reached her other hand up and cupped the other side of Erin’s face, her thumb just gently grazing her freckles. She slowly pulled her close, giving Erin every chance to stop her if she wanted. Please, don’t stop me.
But she didn’t. Her lips sunk into Erin’s and everything dissolved around her and melted through outstretched fingers. The kiss wasn’t fast and sloppy like in the bar; it was deep and slow, as if they only had this moment, as if this was their first and last wrapped into one.
We all have the potential to experience moments that can alter reality–moments when everything that came before is a jumbled mess compared to the serenity–a moment that feels like time stands still and your breathing slows instead of quickens. A moment that sends your insides into such a flutter that you realize they were never in the right spot until that very second. That was this moment. This was their moment.
Rain beat harder against the window, casting droplet sized shadows across the room. The noise filled every available space–everything else fading behind the scenes and disappearing within layers of rubble. Julia couldn’t let another second pass her by.
At first, Erin’s hands stayed pressed against the desk, fingers gripped along the edge for dear life, and then they fell to her sides in sweet surrender. Once reality came into focus, she picked them up and carefully raised them to Julia’s hips.
Julia slid her hands from Erin’s face to her neck, goosebumps forming on the softness of skin behind her ears. That was what Julia wanted to do from the very moment she met Erin; that was what their bodies had been hurtling towards each other for. The moment. The electricity. The rawness of their trembling fingers.
This is everything.
Julia slowly lifted Erin onto the edge of her desk. Erin reached out her legs and wrapped them tightly around her. Erin had to look up at her to kiss her, pulling her face down towards her own. Her hands slowly trailed up Julia and down as she mapped out her route again.
Julia held her close, one hand firmly planted on the small of her back as fingers twirled in silky hair. Erin slid closer to her, their lips never parting as their bodies pressed closer together.
She pulled away slightly, just holding Erin as she gazed into the depth of her eyes. Erin smiled, the corners of her mouth turning upwards and kissing a freckle just above. She pressed her cheek against Julia’s chest, closing her eyes as a content sigh released any tension she had left.
They swayed with the melody of the rain behind them, just holding each other. As the butterflies in her stomach settled, Julia realized how much she almost lost–that feeling of peace, that comfort.
They didn’t have to discuss it–didn’t have to pick it apart at the seams until it unraveled before them. It didn’t matter that it would end in a few weeks. It didn’t matter that they both knew whatever it was could never be more than what it was right at that moment. It just was, and they just were. And that was all either of them needed.
Chapter Twenty-One
There’s this moment of bliss in the morning, right before you open your eyes but yet are fully awake. When the lights shine through the curtains even though they claimed to block out the morning when you purchased them. When the sheets wrap around you like a gown, ice cold as they drape over your bare thighs. And everything is silent.
At that moment, life doesn’t exist. Your family, your job, your problems haven’t sunk back into your consciousness. Everything you wished you’d done or didn’t isn’t there. All your hopes and worries, gone. All that is there is a little haze in the back of your mind, the contentness of your body before it all comes rushing back.
But it does come rushing back at some point.
“Ugh.” Julia rolled into the sheets beside her, burying her face into the feather pillow.
She kissed Erin. She kissed Erin. And she liked it. No, she loved it. The way her stomach stirred, lightning every cell in her body. The way her warm hands trailed along her body. The way their bodies fit so perfectly together, swells and dips melding into one. The way her cupid’s lips tasted, lasting and always longing.
She wanted to do it again. She wanted to do it over and over until there were no breaths left. She wanted to always be in view of those starry eyes, always sucked into their vortex.
For once she thought with her heart instead of her head. She put what made her happy ahead of all else, what she wanted ahead of anyone else. And no one died. Nothing burned to the ground.
But could it mean anything at all? At some point, Erin will go back to Virginia and continue to live her life on the beach. She’ll leave and forget Kleinton and Julia ever existed. For her, it was probably a fling. For her, it would end in a few weeks.
Could Julia do that? Have this amazing thing with that gorgeous woman and pretend it didn’t matter after? Could she kiss her like that again, knowing there would be a time when she wouldn’t be able to anymore? Does she want that? Does she want to be that reckless with her already fragile body and mind?
She opened her eyes and stared at the spinning fan above her. That kiss couldn’t just be a temporary thing for her. It only happened twice and already she couldn’t forget. It couldn’t be nothing, because it was already something to her–and that was a game she already lost once.
Even with Marin in the back of her mind–wanting so badly to know what she was thinking, wishing so much that everything could just go back to normal–Erin felt inexorable. The entire last year was like walking on a tightrope, teetering on the edge more with every step. She struggled through it, determined to get to the other side, not knowing a bridge laid to her left. It was always in sight, always in touch. But she chose the tightrope. She chose the hard road.
Now she’s falling off, the fraying tether the only thing still attached. She’s been falling, just not feeling the weightlessness yet, knowing it was her doing all along. Until now. Now, she looked up because there was a forward somewhere within there.
She wanted to fall so badly into the unknown; she didn’t care if she came out or not. But there was no possible way this would end well. There was no probability, no scenario, that this would result in her getting the girl without losing something else. She tried, but there was no avoiding her feelings anymore.
