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“I shouldn’t have kissed you,” Erin started, but Julia cut her off. She should’ve been more level-headed.
“I shouldn’t have kissed you back.”
They could brush this off like adults, right? They could admit their inhibited judgment; one too many drinks warming their senses and causing all the mayhem.
“Woo,” Erin breathed out a huge sigh. “I’ve never done anything like this before.”
Julia wondered what she meant by that statement. Had she never kissed a woman in a bathroom? Had she never kissed an older woman in a bathroom? Or had she never kissed a woman before? She hoped it wasn’t the latter. She hoped so deeply.
“Well, that would make two of us.” Julia turned to the sink, letting the cool water flow. She’d have to bathe in the iciness of the Arctic to cool down, sink herself to the bottom of the ocean’s depth to lower her temperature.
“This would definitely be my first bathroom make-out session.”
They both laughed. Julia leaned on the counter, tucking her shirt back in and smoothing down static blonde strands on top of her head. They locked eyes in the mirror, lost once again in a world of possibilities.
“I’m going to go.” Julia blurted the words out so fast, Erin’s eyebrows shot up towards the ceiling.
Julia began to move from the sink to the door, carefully skirting around Erin’s body. Her head was so much heavier after that kiss, like it released the alcohol that was sitting in the back of her stomach. Erin caught her arm as she began to pass her, those cozy fingertips exploding something deep within her stomach again.
“What if I don’t want you to go?” she asked, her voice so soft and low. It should be illegal for a voice to sound that sexy.
Julia swore she could still feel her steamy breath on her neck, the ghost of her hands tracing along her bare skin even as she pulled away. When they met eyes, Julia saw them pleading. For the first time she had no idea what she was going to do.
Would it really be that bad, doing something fun and spontaneous for once? Would it really hurt to put my wants ahead of everything else? Don’t I deserve at least that, at least once?
It was something in the way Erin’s eyes wrapped around her like a blanket in December, a way that made her truly feel seen, sending her stomach deliciously lurching like a meteor escaping orbit. Julia pulled her into another kiss because damn, it felt good for someone to look at her like she was worth looking at. That would be it, she told herself. One last kiss to end whatever this was and could not be. One last taste of sweet spring to wrap in a satin bow and hide in the back of her mind.
Everything grew deeper, harder, faster, as if they only had this one moment. It was so hard not to allow herself to be pulled into the tornado of senses that swirled within her. When she tried to pull away, Erin arched her back, forcing Julia to catch her breath as butterflies twirled within her stomach–a snowstorm about to break through. If her lips touched the softness of Erin’s again, she wasn’t sure she could stop.
“We shouldn’t,” Julia whispered against Erin’s neck, their bodies held upright by nothing more than the embrace of their vagabond hands.
“We couldn’t.” Erin breathlessly moaned as a sweet smile curled into the nape of Julia’s neck. Her soft lips caressed the lobe of her ear and Julia’s knees went weak. Erin’s voice was a tease, a promise she had already decided to ignore, and it made her want her even more.
“We can’t.” Julia held her hands still, one tangled in the bronze sheen of Erin’s hair and the other cupped around her body.
When their eyes met, they both stopped. Julia couldn’t tell Erin that her skin lit up like lightning when she touched her, that her smile made her stomach flip in ways it hadn’t in so long, that her hips pressed against her thigh made everything inside her turn to jelly.
“I really have to go.” Julia had one hand on the doorknob. She didn’t realize at what point she released Erin’s fragrant skin and began backing towards it.
“Come home with me,” Erin begged.
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because,” Julia’s voice was a broken plea, “I can’t.”
“Is there someone else?” Erin blurted, confusion etched across her face in the most beautiful writing Julia’s ever seen.
Erin leaned on the counter, desperately searching for an explanation beyond the notion that Julia simply didn’t want her. How could she not want her? Whatever they were doing, it wasn’t something Julia did, but she wanted to do it with her.
“No.” Julia didn’t even hesitate.
When did she stop hesitating at the thought of Marin? When did that knowledge fade to utter unconsciousness? That was when it became real–a physical thing she could hold in her hand–a reality she couldn’t ignore. The thought made her sick. Maybe that’s why she couldn’t do it. Maybe it had nothing to do with her at all.
As Marin flooded her thoughts, she couldn’t even look at Erin. She could have let go of control for one night and allowed herself a moment of happiness. She could have taken this flirty, maybe thirty-something home and gotten lost in the swirls of citrine in her green eyes. But what would she have done then? Brought her to the house filled with photos of Marin in her gleaming white wedding dress, patterning the walls like vintage wallpaper? In the bed they shared for over 15 years?
“There isn’t anyone else,” Julia paused, fighting the urge to get lost in how tender Erin’s voice was just moments ago, “but I still can’t do this. I’m sorry.”
