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Fuck.
“I,” she stuttered, utterly embarrassed. She was caught red-handed. She couldn’t even deny it. “I did not know that.”
She never did get used to how naked her finger felt after taking off that ring. It still felt naked, like the one morning she happened to forget the ring in the jewelry dish on the windowsill above the sink. When you wear the same band, sparkling diamonds crowning at the top in the most perfect halo, for so many years, it becomes a part of you. Your finger shape and skin changes to fit its surroundings. Nothing ever quite fits the same ever again.
“Does everyone at your work know?” Erin’s eyes were full of compassion.
“No,” she answered quietly, her head unconsciously shaking. Erin looked like she was going to say something next, but Julia had to get something off her chest. “I’m sorry I lied to you. I didn’t know we’d be working together, or that…” she trailed off, remembering that without words, they agreed to leave the past behind them.
“That.”
“Yes, that. That which we will no longer speak,” joked Julia.
“For the record, I’m sorry about that night, too. It was so unlike me and it definitely put us in an odd situation,” Erin said, taking a step closer and shielding them from the rustling wind.
Julia wasn’t sure if she believed her. The way she waited for her in that bathroom, the touch of her hand on her back. Erin held all the confidence that she had to muster up each day. The way she kissed her. Oh, the way she worked her tongue, those vagabond fingers. There was no way that Julia could have been an exception for her.
“At least it’s behind us,” breathed Julia, desperately trying to sound relieved and not disappointed. She doubted it was convincing. “You know,” she said with a smirk, “given your position and what you’re at Kleinton to do, I shouldn’t like you.”
“Is that so?”
“It is.” Julia stood there, subtly nodding. “But you’re making that really hard.”
“I guess some things are out of your control,” she responded, her voice lower than usual, and Julia hated how much she liked that statement out of Erin’s mouth.
Another moment passed, only the sound of the wind howling over the snow-covered hills in the distance. Erin’s glistening eyes were still locked on hers, and Julia couldn’t bring herself to break the spell.
“Why doesn’t anyone know?” Erin questioned, gesturing to the ringless finger Julia still rubbed. Dammit. How does she break a habit she didn’t know she had?
“Because I am still married.”
“With no wife,” Erin’s voice was excruciatingly comforting even in the sting of the statement, “no ring?”
Julia couldn’t respond, and she couldn’t meet her eyes either. She didn’t understand why it mattered to her. This was the kind of conversation had amongst close family. It’s a topic only appropriate to discuss on the living room floor with a best friend, wine glasses in hand, cursing the name of someone who never deserved them in the first place.
It wasn’t a conversation to have on a sidewalk with someone she barely knew. It wasn’t a conversation she wanted to have at all, but that’s what it became. It didn’t matter that she had only met Erin a day ago; it felt like she knew her deeply, as if years melted into that first touch aligning their off-kilter worlds.
“Because I’m not ready,” she finally answered, it spewing from her lips as if it escaped a locked door.
“Not ready to let go of a woman who never deserved you in the first place?” Erin was even closer now, her voice full of a desperation to understand.
“How do you know what I deserve?” Julia felt a surge of anger. Erin had no right to just waltz into her life and act like she really knew her.
“Because in the short amount of time I’ve known you,” she spoke softly, sharing their hazy breaths, leaning towards Julia even more, “I want to prove to Greg that I’m worthy.”
Julia felt goosebumps rise on her skin again. It was probably from the cold breeze. It was definitely not from having that beautiful woman with rosy cheeks looking at her, hinting at promises they knew they couldn’t keep.
“We can’t,” Julia’s voice was a breathy sigh.
“If you’re afraid of the connotation of your seperat–”
“Fifteen years married is a long time.” Julia couldn’t let her finish her sentence. It rolled off her tongue, and she found herself feeling relieved of the burden. “Twenty years together is even longer.”
“Oh,” Erin breathed deeply, “oh, Julia.” Her voice was cashmere in her ears, holding such desperate calmness that she broke. She finally broke.
Julia didn’t see it coming when her walls shattered like hundred-year-old glass. She didn’t see it coming as tears filled her eyes, clouding her vision in a veil of fog. Still leaning against the car, her knees buckled. She leaned forward as she tried to stifle the chest-clenching cries that arose from a place within her that she didn’t know still lived.
Erin didn’t hesitate. She reached out and grabbed Julia before she could sink any further. She held her up, squeezing Julia’s waist with warm hands. Julia sunk her face into the neck of Erin’s jacket and everything she held in for the past year escaped every fortress she built up. Sobs tangled her stomach and clenched her hands as she crumbled.
