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“So,” she continued, “talk to a stranger. Kiss a beautiful woman. Do whatever you need to do to feel like the old you.”
“I wish it was that easy.” Julia sighed, turning her chair slightly towards the window.
A single tear escaped from her eye, rolling down her pale cheek in an itchy river before dripping off her chin. She looked at the window, still no sun in sight. She squeezed her eyes closed, wishing for the feeling of dawn just waiting in the distance.
Was she afraid to let someone else in? Or was she afraid of what that would mean in the long run? Was she afraid that it would mean she was finally stepping forward, that there was nothing left behind to wait for? Or was she just afraid to be happy?
What the hell is happiness, anyway? She thought she and Marin were happy. She thought she finally landed at the point in her life where she belonged. But it was a mirage, a story she convinced herself of just to keep the shadows at bay. If she let anyone in like that again, it could all disappear right before her eyes. Once again, she’d have nothing but pictures on a quiet wall to remind her of what could have been.
“It is, Jules. For once,” her voice pleaded, “it can be that easy. For once, choose you.”
That weight of that last word hung in the air like a frozen raindrop, waiting to crash into a million breaths. Her. At some point, she would have to choose herself. At some point, she’d have to put her old life behind her and move on. She’d have to remove those pictures on the walls. She’d have to stop looking at every place Marin belonged and accept that it just wasn’t their time.
Time can be a graceful and giving thing, but it can also take everything away in an instant. They say it’s supposed to balance out in the end, that the bad doesn’t win, but why do we trust so much in something we can’t see to make all those choices for us? Sometimes it feels like a roll of the dice, where some are fortunate while others are left with nothing. Julia seemed to always be the latter–the person who gave everything and then some. Even the scale wasn’t there to pick her spent body off the floor.
“So, what are you suggesting? A fling with this beautiful young woman for what?” she paused, considering the timeline. “The few months she’s here for?”
“Honey, it’s called the rebound.”
“It sounds inappropriate,” Julia whispered, and they both laughed. “I don’t think I need a secret lover.”
“No one said you’d have to keep it a secret. There’s nothing wrong with having a platonic fling.”
“You’re killing me!” A faint chuckle escaped from Julia’s throat.
It wasn’t that it was a funny situation. It was that every emotion came rushing at her all at once and the only options were to cry or laugh, and so she laughed at the thought of her almost 40-year-old self having a fling until she had tears welling in her eyes. Keegan sat back down and watched her let it all out, watched as her chest rose and fell with deep amusement. After she wiped her eyes, Julia looked up at her concerned face.
“I love you.” Julia stood from her desk and wrapped her arms around her friend.
“I love you, too.” Keegan squeezed. “I just want the old you back. I know you miss her, too.”
She whispered the last part and Julia’s heart broke. Julia missed her too, but she didn’t know how to tell her best friend that the person she misses no longer exists.
“Erin and I are meeting later to clear the air.” Julia took her seat again, still wiping her eyes. “We’re going to discuss how we can put this behind us and focus on the school. That is why she’s here, after all. I can’t have a relationship with someone hired to do my job for me.”
“Mhm,” Keegan rolled her eyes. “When was the last time you got laid?”
Julia’s eyes nearly popped out of her head. They’ve joked about this topic over one too many classes of wine on a Saturday night, but Keegan had never asked it that seriously.
“Keegan!”
“I’m serious, Julia. Woman, you have to know how beautiful you are. When was the last time you got some?”
“We are not discussing this.”
“Come on! You’re funny, and smart, and the kindest person I’ve ever met. Damn!” Keegan smiled. “You’re the whole package!”
“Where’s your decency? We’re at work!”
“I am sure there would be women lining up along the road if they knew you were available. You should let someone remind you of that.”
“Yeah, in the Kleinton population of 972,” Julia rolled her eyes, “there’s a lot of lesbian bachelors roaming around.”
“If I swung that way, I would date you.” Keegan grinned.
“Gross!” Julia grimaced, barely able to hide the smile she fought.
“That’s not an answer, Julia.”
