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Once more, can I hold her in my arms and kiss her lips and feel her heart beat in sync with mine? Once more, can I bring her to orgasm before I tell her the inevitable?
I let my features soften. “I’m sorry I hurt you baby, truly. It devastated me to say those words. It made me sick to my stomach to realize I was causing you pain.” That much is true.
“So why did you do it? Why did you act like such a dick?” she cries.
Because it’s the only way I can protect you. Because as much as I want to be with you, I can’t. You’re the woman for me, but I’m not right for you.
“Q?” She prompts. “What’s on your mind? Why don’t you tell me what you’re worried about? Isn’t that what being married is about? Aren’t you supposed to share your concerns with me?”
“My only concern right now is to feed you,” I manage to say without revealing how much it hurts me to maintain a level of detachment between us.
She throws up her hands. “Why are you hiding your true feelings again? You’re such a macho guy, it drives me crazy when you don’t have the courage to speak your mind.”
My wife is right, of course. I'm a coward. Shouldn’t I be able to bare myself to her? She’s my soulmate, so why can’t I reveal my vulnerabilities to her? Why am I so scared of her reaction to my fears? And they are fears. But they’re informed by the events of my past. They’re informed by how I’ve hurt everyone close to me. How I’m hurting her even now.
And by sharing more with her, she’ll only get closer, and then when she leaves me it’ll hurt her even more. No, it’s best to keep her at arm's length... to the extent I can.
She purses her lips and looks at me closely. “Promise you won’t become so cold again? Promise you’ll tell me what’s worrying you? Whatever it is, we can work through it together."
I want to, so much. I want to tell her what she wants to hear, but I cannot lie to her.
Instead, I allow myself a small smile and hold out my hand.
She looks at my hand, then back at my face; hesitates.
“Please, baby, can you let this one go, for now? Please, let’s not spoil our time together here.”
Her features grow mutinous. Her eyes spark at me. Of course she’s not buying that. Her feistiness is one of the things I love about her.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, how could I have fallen for her so quickly? Knowing what’s in store for us. Knowing she’s going to leave me.
I lower my hand to my side and curl it into a fist. How could I let this happen?
She must see the play of emotions across my features, for the fight goes out of her. “Oh, Q.” She closes the distance to me, and when I open my arms and widen the space between my legs, she steps into the gap and hugs me tightly.
I pull her closer into the ‘V’ between my thighs, then wrap my arms about her and tuck her against my chest. She melts into me and sighs. “Your hugs are almost as drugging as your fucking.”
“Thank you, baby. Thank you for letting this one be, for now.”
She shakes her head. “You’re so annoying, Q. And so, so sexy, it makes my head spin just to look at you.”
That makes two of us.
“You make me feel things I haven’t before. You confuse me so much half the time, I don’t know if I should slap you or kiss you.”
“You can do both.” I run my fingers down her hair.
“No doubt, so you can punish me for being bratty?”
“And you’ll love every minute of it.”
“You know me so well,” she huffs out a laugh.
And you me. And that is the crux of the issue.
“This doesn’t mean I’ve forgiven you for behaving like a total ass.”
“I haven’t earned that yet, but I will.” I lean back and kiss the top of her head. “I still need to feed you.”
