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I try to find a more comfortable position in my chair, and when that doesn’t work, I rise to my feet and begin to pace. “The fact that I love your sister is the reason why I need to stay away from her.”
“I don’t understand.”
“If I let her get closer, I’ll end up hurting both of us.”
“What do you mean?” Her eyebrows knit.
“I've hurt every person I’ve ever loved. Why should this be any different? If something happened to her, I’d never forgive myself. Besides, it’s only a matter of time before she realizes she could do better than me. She deserves someone closer to her age. Someone who'll be with her for most of her lifetime. It’s only a matter of time before she looks at me and regrets that she married me.” I shake my head. “No, it’s best I spare her that pain. It’s best I put an end to this craziness, before it makes it worse for either of us.”
“Oh, my God! Are you hearing yourself?” She slaps her palm on the desk. “Can you see the flaw in what you’re saying?”
I turn on her “Explain.”
“Who knows what’s going to happen in the future? You are so convinced you’re going to hurt her, and she’ll leave you, you’ve decided to cut your losses and hurt her anyway by leaving her now. In fact“—her frown deepens—“it seems to me, you’ve decided to fulfill your own prophecy by leaving her first.”
I scowl at her. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“I mean, you’re being very selfish.”
My scowl deepens. “I’m trying to do the very opposite. I’m trying to be selfless. I’m trying to walk away before things get too messy.”
“Oh my God; they’re already messy.” She throws up her hands. “The two of you are in love with each other.”
She’s right. It's because we're in love that our lovemaking is so explosive. It’s because we're in love that my need to dominate her is so all-consuming. It’s because I’m in love that the thought of not having her in my life ties my guts in knots and turns my heart inside out. “That doesn’t mean anything,” I choke out.
Am I telling that to her or to myself? My words come out defensive and sound pathetic, even to me.
“You don’t believe that.” She stabs her finger in my direction. “In fact, you already know you’re not going to be able to leave her, which is why, based on the little bit Vivian told me, you're trying to make her hate you enough that she’ll leave you.”
I stiffen. Is that what I've been doing? Perhaps, subconsciously, I did, but having it called out like this… It turns my blood to ice, and my stomach seems to bottom out completely. “Oh shit.”
“Yeah, it’s a shit show, and you’re responsible for it. You made her unhappy. You kept her at a distance, hoping she’d make the decision for you and leave—since you didn’t have the balls to break it off. Not that I blame you—my sister’s a catch.” She firms her lips. ”What you don't understand is that my sister is committed to you. She's not leaving you. And you treating her badly won't make her give up on you. If anything, it’s going to make her double down and do everything possible to save this relationship.”
She’s right. Raven’s parting words to me indicated as much.
“So, you have a choice to make. Are you going to torture her forever? Or are you going to love her the way you should because she's worth all that and more?” She looks at me with an expression of disgust. “Are you going to confirm my opinion that you’re a sad excuse for a man? Or are you going to prove me wrong?”
To have this slip of a girl call me out on my mistakes should be laughable, but it’s not.
She’s pointed out my idiocy, and I can’t unsee it.
"You’re right, I am pathetic.” I squeeze the back of my neck. “I thought I was doing her a favor, but?—”
“But from what I can see, you were trying to manipulate her into leaving you, so you could keep your conscience clear.”
She’s right. Again.
How could I have done this? How is it that I didn’t see how my actions were unfolding? Did I become so insecure about myself, was I so weighed down by the mistakes of my past, I was about to commit the biggest mistake of them all by leaving her?
“Fuck.” I hang my head. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.” A searing pain burns my insides. A heaviness weighs down my chest. Every breath I take hurts my lungs. I feel like I’ve swallowed broken glass, and it's tearing up my insides. What am I going to do?
“How do I make this right?” I raise my chin and swallow around the lump in my throat. “How do I make this up to her?” I frown. I must find a way to undo the damage I inflicted on our relationship. I must atone for my mistakes and rebuild the trust between us. “I can make it up to her, right?”
“I suppose.” She sniffs. “Maybe, if you show her how much you love her, and if you grovel enough?”
“Grovel?” I ask cautiously.
She rolls her eyes. “You know, the part where you throw yourself on her mercy and ask her for forgiveness?”
