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“What happened after the pirate ship escapades?”
I place my knife and fork in my plate. "I realized, I loved the sea more than the illicit thrill of broadcasting illegally. So, I joined the Marines."
Her features take on a shrewd expression. "Why not join the Navy?"
I hesitate.
"There's something else, isn't there??"
I incline my head. I’ve gotten so good at fooling people with the lack of expression on my face, it’s a shock to realize someone can look past the mask I normally wear.
She holds my gaze, and it’s as if she’s seeing into my soul.
I crack my neck. "The pirate radio station I worked at? I also owned it.”
“You did?”
“I bought a ship with the money I made off the stock market and set up a FM transmitter on it. My closest friend, Danny, joined me on the ship moored off the shore of the UK in international waters. We spent our days working out, drinking, and talking about what we wanted to do with our lives—in between broadcasting punk and grime rock from obscure bands. He wanted to be a Marine. As for me, I knew my path was set. This was my last attempt at rebelling before I joined my father’s company.”
I swallow, knowing I’m coming to the difficult part.
“Go on,” she urges me in a soft voice, which almost undoes me. No one has ever looked at me with such empathy.
For that matter, I’ve never shared this story with anyone else, but her lack of judgement invites me to confide in her, and I can’t stop myself. I look away to gather my thoughts.
“One night, we were horsing around, as we normally did, and drinking. We drank our way through most of the alcohol on the ship that day. Danny was in great form. He’d enlisted and was leaving to join basic training in a few days. I knew I was going to miss him. But I was also envious about how confident he felt that this was his path. It was, maybe, three a.m. in the morning. The wind had picked up considerably that night, and we were both very drunk."
"He decided he had to piss off the bow of the ship. It took him a few tries before he made it there. He was weaving on his feet, barely able to stay upright. I thought it was funny. I kept laughing, until tears filled my eyes. When I blinked them away, he’d disappeared."
She gasps.
“I was too drunk to move. So drunk that when I tried to get to my feet to search for him, I kept falling. It took me three tries before I made it to where I’d last seen him. I looked overboard but couldn’t see him. The waters were too dark. I managed to call the coastguard for help, then jumped off the ship to search for him."
“Did you... Did you find him?” she whispers.
I shake my head. That familiar heaviness knocks at the backs of my eyes. I swallow around the ball of emotion in my throat. “They never found him. I was arrested for running a pirate radio station. Arthur had to come bail me out. He also paid enough money to make it all go away. He refused to let me attend Danny's funeral, and I’ll never forgive him for that. And when I told him I was joining the Marines in Danny’s memory, he never forgave me. He wanted me to join the Davenport Group and learn the ropes. He had dreams of making me the CEO, since my older brothers weren’t interested.”
“So that’s why there’s bad blood between the two of you?”
“Well… It didn't help that my nephews followed my example, and all of them, except one, joined the Marines. Of course, you wouldn’t know that when you hear Arthur boast about how there's a tradition of serving in the military among the Davenports. He spun it as a PR story to boost the company’s reputation.”
She shakes her head. “He’s a canny old man.”
“He is.” I half smile. “If it weren’t for the fact I was searching for a purpose when I returned from the Marines, and I realized I did want to leave some kind of legacy for my son, I never would have agreed to join him. I also realized that by helping to grow the business and claiming my inheritance, I could use the money to further the cause of military vets. It’s what Danny would have wanted.” My heart feels heavy, my guts churning with that familiar guilt I've carried with me since he died.
“So, that’s why you like listening to the radio?”
I frown. “What do you mean?”
“It makes you feel close to Danny.”
I stare at her, my thoughts in a whirl. I never made that connection, but she’s right. It’s a connection I have with Danny that nothing can sever. When I listen to the radio, it feels like he’s speaking to me from the beyond. It never occurred to me. It took my wife to connect the dots and point something so obvious out to me.
“Q, you okay?” she asks in a hesitant voice.
I nod slowly.
"You miss him." She swallows, her gaze filling with compassion “I am so sorry for your loss.”
