Page 9 of I Can't Even


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He speared another bite and offered it to me, brows lifted. “One more?”

I took one more.

And when I got home that night, the only thing on my mind was that I wished I’d see him again.

I didn’t think that when I saw him, though, it’d be with him accusing me of a crime.

One which I might, or might not have, committed.

What’s the key to happiness? Unfollowing people in real life.

—Quaid to Ellodie

QUAID

“You’re fuckin’ joking.”

I rolled my eyes and leaned back in my recliner, very much aware that we were going to watch this stupid fucking TikTok at least ten more times.

“Watch him slide across the hood like Bo Duke.” Dad chuckled.

I did, impressed with how well I’d executed the maneuver.

“And all that in front of a girl.” My triplet brother, Quincy, laughed.

“I’m more than impressed,” Hollis, Quincy’s girl, said as she ate some popcorn. “Truthfully, that was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen. And that girl agrees with me. You’re hot as hell in those tactical pants. That t-shirt pulls on your biceps nicely, and those mirrored sunglasses stay so securely on your face it’s as if they were glued there. And that look you gave her when she started talking.”

“Whose girl are you again?” Quincy growled, pulling her close.

Hollis giggled. “You know that girl, too.”

“I do?” Quincy asked.

“You do,” Hollis confirmed. “Those blue scrubs should give it away.”

Quincy’s head tilted slightly, then he snapped his fingers. “That’s the girl who works in the ER. Your friend?”

“Friend? I mean, I guess. I know of her. She’s always really nice. But I wouldn’t exactly say we’re friends,” Hollis explained.

My head twisted toward her, wondering if she’d give up any more information, but she just snuggled into Quincy’s chest.

“Is she the one we saw at the grocery store that one time?” he asked.

“That’s her,” she confirmed. “Auden, she’s the girl I saw you talking to last week in the ER.”

“She was cute.” He paused. “Even though I’m fairly sure she stole that drug dealer’s money.”

“What?” I asked, unsure if I’d heard him right.

“So, there’s this really weird Robin Hood thing going on in the ER right now,” Auden said. “Things are going missing. It’s gotten to the point where the director of the ER called us and asked for some help.”

“What’s happening?” I wondered.

“Well, let’s just start from the beginning.” Hollis twisted on the couch to face me better. “Remember last month, when all of those gang members came into the ER, throwing fits and stuff about how they weren’t being treated like human beings?”

“Yes,” I answered.

“Well, some of the nurses and doctors took offense. But not because they were mad. It was because they were being accused of not taking care of the gang bangers. They were mad because not one, not two, but over fourteen incidents had occurred in the ER over the last year, and the director wasn’t going to bat for them and their protection,” she reported. “And they try to force the ER director to require multiple security guards to be on rotation in the ER to help protect the staff when these gang members come in needing help. The ER director throws a fit, and then says pretty much that it’s part of the ER staff’s job to take care of patients, no matter what the conditions. He assures them that they don’t have the funds to deal with it. Which pissed off the ER staff. And then the director’s really expensive watch went missing.”

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