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He sounded so sad and defeated, so unlike what I expected from any mafia man. Marriage was an heir’s requirement to secure alliances and power; it rarely had to do with love. I assumed Rafael’s was the same, but what if it wasn’t? Did that make his cheating worse? Did it absolve him of abandoning his son to a corrupt system?
I’d expected this conversation to change things, but I hadn’t expected it to adjust how I viewed the man who’d saved my life. I wasn’t sure I could look at him the same again.
“Do you regret getting married?” I eventually asked, needing to know how far the changes went.
“I regret hurting the person I loved more than anything, the one I vowed to protect. I regret hurting my son. But I’d live it all over again if it meant I could love her as long as I did.”
Son, not sons. Wife, not ex-wife. I had no doubt that he still loved her, despite the fact that she was long gone, and I didn’t know how to reconcile that with what he’d told me. Had his marriage meant that much to him? Had his family?
So much of mafia life meant sacrificing happiness for the good of the family, and I’d always assumed marriage was the same. A sacrifice you made because you had to. Empty vows that meant nothing because there wasn’t mutual respect and admiration behind them.
My father certainly hadn’t proven my feelings wrong.
Then again, what about Antoni and Shara? What about Aislynn and Cameron or Tennessee and Moore? There was love there, even if it was new and unexplored. They’d built lives together and embodied the vows they’d spoken.
What about my men? Did I expect them to change down the line? Did I think they’d leave me and find another they didn’t have to share?
No, I didn’t. I had them forever, even if we didn’t have an official commitment. Maybe it wasn’t so hard to believe that Rafael could have loved his wife at one point too. He’d just loved her too late.
“You’re not calling me about my mistakes or my son.”
“No.”
“I heard about the wake.”
“I assumed you would.” I didn’t need to explain more; he knew what I wanted. The same thing I’d always wanted. The same thing he and Emmanuel had dangled over my head, just to snatch it away. Help. Allies. A way to save my fucking city.
Rafael’s silence was pointed and clear. He knew what I wanted and, once again, it didn’t matter.
“Why show up if you aren’t going to help?” I snarled, suddenly so fucking angry I thought I could scream. Yes, he’d saved my life, but other than that, had he actually helped much?
“I can’t give you any more help than I already have.” That was always his answer. It would always be his answer. I’d known it was coming, but it still pissed me off.
“By that, you mean skulking around my city occasionally?”
“Keeping you safe,” he corrected. “I’m honor bound to stay, just as I’m honor bound to leave. I can’t give you anything else without upsetting the balance. I’m sorry.”
“You can. You’re just a coward. If the Wolf doesn’t command you, you don’t move.”
That rubbed him wrong, and his voice got heated. “What would you like me to do, Mari? Fight my father for you?”
“I’d like you to try. You say I’m so important to you, yet you’re comfortable standing on the sidelines while we’re being ambushed.”
“Because I can’t!” he yelled. “Not without risking my legacy. I’m not even supposed to be here anymore.”
So, Emmanuel had called his son home. Two-Bit’s warning was real. “Your legacy is more important than my life? Than the lives of the people in my city? Money and power and drugs matter more than people’s lives?”
“Of course not, but there are other things to consider. It isn’t easy to walk away from your birthright, tesorita.”
Isn’t it? If Cash were a better option and it meant the people in my city were safe, I would walk away from everything my father had built in a heartbeat. If I knew that Cash would let us live, I’d disappear from Seattle forever to live a life of peace with my men by my side.
That was the problem, though. Cash wouldn’t let us live, and the people I’d sworn to protect wouldn’t be safe. I’d be trading a leader for a death-dealer.
Taking a breath that did nothing to calm me down, I tried again. “You’re concerned about Christian’s legacy. I get it, I do. But this is about more than him. More than you or me or even the Wolf. People will die if Cash gets ahold of Seattle. Not just some, a lot. He’ll slaughter anyone who looks at him wrong or sees something they shouldn’t. Once I’m gone, he’s going to be too powerful to oust.
“He’s too unstable to live as it is. It’ll only get worse once he has no clear target to take his anger out on. Just because it’s my city doesn’t mean the ramifications won’t fuck everyone over. If Cash wins, he’ll have the Feds on your ass as fast as he can, just to prove he’s got the power to manipulate them. Killing him now will protect your legacy.”
“Marianna.”
