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I lower my hand, masking the disappointment that rolls through me. Not with Sophia—never that—but with myself for allowing me to be a stranger to my own child.
“She just doesn’t know you properly yet,” Heidi soothes. “Just keep showing up and she’ll come around eventually.”
I hope that’s true.
I kiss my daughter’s head and then take a shower while Heidi watches her. My past chips at my mind as the water cascades over my shoulders, and I have to swallow down the pain and regret.
I’m tired… so fucking tired of living like this.
When I’m done, I stay with Sophia while Heidi gets ready for the day. My gaze stays locked on my daughter in her highchair as she eats her breakfast. She’s wearing more of it than she’s got in her mouth, but I’m fascinated by everything she does. I can see features of both mine and Mara’s in her face but also something uniquely hers.
How did I nearly throw this away?
By the time Heidi appears in the kitchen, my mood is morose.
I glance up from wiping my daughter’s hands and face as Heidi moves over to the kettle. Her damp hair hangs around her shoulders in loose curls, and her face is free of makeup, making her look younger, more carefree. More like the old Heidi… before Crow was murdered.
We were all different people back then, and even though times were hard while we were gaining a foothold in the city, it never felt bleak—not like now.
The loose sweater she’s wearing has slid off one shoulder, revealing the contours of her neck, and my gaze trails down the bone to the swell of her tits.
Fuck, I shouldn’t be looking at her like this, and I’m not sure why I do. I’ve never considered Heidi in that way before—she was already with Crow when she came to the club, and I was with Mara—but being around her these last few weeks has changed things. I’m not sure if it’s the different dynamic or the way she looks after my kid, but looking at her now makes cock stir in my jeans.
Before I do or say something I can’t take back, I tear my gaze away and push to my feet, grabbing my kutte off the back of the chair next to me.
“I gotta go.” I shrug into it. “I don’t know what time I’ll be back, but if you need to go anywhere, call it in. A prospect’ll take you.”
“I know the rules,” she bristles.
Heidi has made little secret of the fact she’s frustrated by all the sanctions placed on her because of the club. I can’t blame her for that, but the moment she took on my child, Heidi put a huge target on her back. I’m not going to allow her to get hurt because of me.
“I know it’s shit, but it’s for your safety.”
Heidi turns to me, leaning back against the counter. “How long are we going to have to live like this?”
“Just until we find Richardson,” I say, pressing a kiss to my daughter’s head. “Be a good girl for Daddy. I’ll see you later, Heidi.”
“Don’t let them walk all over you,” she blurts, taking me by surprise.
It’s the first time she’s said anything about the treatment I’m receiving from my club brothers, which swings from disinterest to outright hostility.
Rage wants to smash my teeth down my throat—understandably, considering what I did to his old lady. I suspect for the first few weeks after I moved back in, Heidi relished watching me suffer. I’m not sure what’s changed.
“I fucked up. I deserve whatever shit they give me.”
“You did fuck up, but you can’t keep being their punchbag.”
She’s right, but nothing I’m doing seems to help. I’ve done all the shitty jobs, taken crap off any member without a word. I’ve tried to prove my worth and show I’m loyal, but this is the problem with breaking trust—it’s hard to repair.
“I’ll see you later,” I say before I head for the front door.
I stop briefly to grab my keys and wallet from the bowl on the console table, then I take my time locking the house back up. Everything precious to me is inside these four walls, and I hate having to leave them here.
Them. Not just my daughter, but Heidi too.
When did she become just as treasured to me as Sophia?
Probably around the time she gave up everything to take care of your daughter.
