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I turned to him and held my hand out. Samkiel studied me, and I saw the understanding in his eyes. He understood how important this was to me. He, of all people, knew how hard it was to share memories that both made you who you were and cut you to the bone.
“I want to show you.”
He took my hand and raised it to his lips, pressing a soft kiss to my fingers in a silent thank you. Even with the gloves I wore, I could feel the energy radiating off of him. We walked up the wooden steps and paused on the porch. A bright sticker was stuck to the front door.
FORECLOSURE. PROPERTY OF THE CITY OF ADONAEL.
I dropped Samkiel’s hand and ran my fingers over the weathered edges of the sign.
“I stopped paying for this place after—” I shrugged, dropping my hand. “I figured what’s the point, you know?”
Samkiel watched me as if he could see into my very damaged and bruised soul. He reached out and twisted the doorknob until the lock broke. The door swung open with a slow creak. “Tell me more. Show me.”
He was doing it again, trying to help me heal. Only this time, it was on my terms. I took a deep breath and entered, Samkiel right behind me. The house was quiet and dark. Samkiel closed the door behind us, his palm lighting with silver, illuminating the room. Dust motes swirled into the air, disturbed by our footsteps and the cold breeze that had sneaked inside. I looked around, memories of the hours Gabby and I had spent looking through used stores for the mismatched furniture bittersweet.
Samkiel followed me into the kitchen, holding his hand higher to ensure I had enough light. The kitchen was bare, with one chair pushed up against the small table. I idly wondered where the second one had gone as I ran a hand over the wall closest to me.
“She hated the pattern that was here when we first bought it, so we spent almost two weeks trying to find a better one. It had to be perfect. This was our first real place. I wanted her to love it and everything in it. I wanted it to feel like home.”
I stroked my hand over the countertop as we passed through the small kitchen, exiting into a small hall on the other side. It split into rooms, one on either side and circled back to the living room in the other direction.
“Was it home?”
I nodded, stopping short. “I like to decorate, especially this place. It was ours.”
I turned slowly, my gaze drawn to the engraving on the wall. My heart raced, beating so hard I was sure I was dying. A cold sweat slicked my skin, and tremors racked my body. I hadn’t realized I’d moved, only that I was there. I reached up and traced the initials carved into the wall.
“What is this?” Samkiel asked from behind me, grounding me and ripping me from the memories that threatened to drag me back into the darkness.
“It’s our parents and our initials. We were painting, and I wanted something to remember them by. Some symbol that we all belonged to each other. I was so sentimental then.” My hand dropped, the truth of my reality sinking in. It had nothing to do with my past, only my future.
Samkiel reached up, tracing the letters, too. “It is not sentimental. My mother and I carved our names into a tree on Rashearim. It was when I was younger, and my father was away fighting some battle.”
“Really?”
“Mm-hmm. That tree stayed until my world fell. It is nice you still have your tree,” he said, his voice filled with sincerity.
He was doing it again, easing into my cracked soul. A word, a glance, an affirmation that he would take care of me, and I would be okay. And I hated it. I hated it because I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t deserve him.
“I told you that Kaden was my first. First, everything, really. I tried to make something work between us while I was stuck where I was, and at first, I thought we had. A part of me cared for him, but all that changed when I caught him with someone else. Our relationship ceased to be, if there had actually ever been one. He was bent on controlling me. I was to do what I was told when I was told to do it. If I didn’t… Well, let’s just say Kaden was creative in his punishments.”
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, fighting back the memories of the worst of his retaliations. The sight of his hand cupping Gabby’s chin before the sound of the crack that destroyed my world. I swallowed hard and forced myself to continue.
“He had lovers. I had lovers, but I never got attached to anyone ever again. Even with Camilla, it was never serious for me. Not until you. I have trust issues.” A small breathless laugh escaped my lips. “I have a lot of issues, and I know I can be mean and rude and cruel. I also know I will never fully heal. He destroyed a part of me. It was one of the best parts, and I will never get that back. I mean that with every fiber of my being. I know you want to help, to help me get my powers back, but when they do, if they do, I still won’t be the same girl you are chasing. The last part of my family is gone. I know you want that girl who laughed at the festival, who took pictures with you, who held you, who would have given her life for you and her sister, the one who hoped and could see the good in life, but I’m afraid she is gone too. Samkiel, I’m being as honest and open with you as I know how to be. I am a mess of jagged pieces and broken parts, but…”
Samkiel’s brows bunched together, but he didn’t press or grow frustrated with me. He only watched and listened.
“But,” I finally said, “every fragment, every piece of me still left, cares about you. Even the very dangerous and ugly parts.”
“Dianna,” he cupped my cheek, the heat of his palm rough against my skin, “there are no ugly parts or pieces of you, and I care about them all, broken or not.”
I felt a crack form in the locked door deep within me. It was a small one, but it let out a shimmer of light.
The next part was the hardest for me to admit, and I swallowed, bolstering my resolve. “I hurt you, punishing you for someone else’s mistakes, and I’m sorry. I couldn’t push Gabby away, but I can you. It wasn’t fair. I just,” I paused, forcing out the words that broke my heart, “I just didn’t want to stick you with a horrible life, too.”
Something sparked behind his eyes, as if my words caressed some broken part in him, too. I didn’t apologize. I never did. Only to Gabby and now to him. Twice. I hoped he could see that and understand what he truly meant to me.
“Dianna,” he paused, seeming to gather his words, “there is no life with you in it that would be horrible. Horrible is living without you.”
