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“Yes, from yourself.” He shook his head at me, his arms wide and his expression unforgiving. “What has this gotten you? The revenge, the death, what has it done? It hasn’t brought her back. We both know that nothing will.”
My hand whipped out to slap him, but he caught my wrist. “I hate you.”
He stepped closer and leaned in until his nose was an inch from mine. “I. Don’t. Care.”
“Let go of me.” The words came out a whisper, and I wasn’t sure if they were a command or a plea. I didn’t know if I wanted to kill or kiss him, and I hated wanting the latter for even a second. My heart pounded too fast and hard before settling into a slower rhythm, syncing with his.
His thumb slid over my wrist before he gently released me. “I would have followed you anywhere, Dianna. All you had to do was ask. Instead, you used me. You used every single bit of knowledge you had on me to hurt me, my family, and my friends. You threw things I confided to you back at me without a moment’s thought. I have been stabbed, tortured, and nearly decapitated. All in service to my home and kingdom. But nothing has hurt me as you have. Nothing.”
I lowered my gaze, unable to face his pain. “If you want an apology from me, you won’t get it.”
“I don’t. I can take your anger and hate. All I want for you is healing. I know the path you are on, and as difficult as it is, the only way out is through. And if I have to be the one who shows you that, then so be it because I will not sit by while you tear yourself apart.”
His words ricocheted in my chest, leaving me breathless and tearing at my already wounded heart. My eyes burned, a dam threatening to break, releasing emotions I’d done my damndest to bury. I hated him. How dare he make me feel by just being in his presence? I hated that the words he said were like a battering ram against the wall I’d so painstakingly built over these last few months. I hated that I cared so godsdamned much. So I did what I always did and reacted like a venomous snake, all fangs and lethal bite.
“So what? Are you going to keep me here for a thousand years so I can wallow in guilt and weep over my dead relatives like you?”
A storm didn’t gather, and the world didn’t shake as I spat those words at him. He didn’t take the bait, only met my eyes stare for stare. We were an immovable object and an unstoppable force. We didn’t fear the other but threatened to batter ourselves bloody.
His head only tilted to the side. “Have you even mourned yet? Have you cried?”
“What?” I hissed.
“I don’t believe you have. You’ve been so preoccupied and busy trying to fill that void inside of you with blood, death, and mortals less deserving of you. You’ve been doing anything you can to keep moving because you know the second you stop, you’ll feel all of it. So you lash out and attack because anger is better than grief. It’s better than reliving every memory, good and bad, every laugh and smile, everything you said or could have said. It’s better than knowing that no amount of flesh or blood you take in vengeance will erase the fact that you have truly lost her forever.”
My hand whipped out again, only this time it connected. I slapped him hard enough to make my palm and wrist sting. I knew he’d sensed it and could have stopped it, yet he hadn’t.
“I hate you.”
“That’s good.” He lifted my hand and pressed a kiss to my palm. “At least you feel something. What else? Tell me more.”
“Fuck you.” I yanked my hand from his grip.
Samkiel took a step closer, taking up every inch of my personal space. My back hit the wall again, and I tipped my head to look up at him. The all-powerful god king stared down at me, every soft edge gone under that blistering stare, and I’d be a damned fool to say how much of a thrill it sent through me. He braced his forearms against the wall on either side of me, his body hot, massive, and overwhelming. I wasn’t afraid of him. I never was. Fear was not something either of us felt toward the other.
“Do you need me to? Does it help? I assumed you had your fill on Onuna.” A ring of silver lined his irises, and I didn’t want to remember or think about what that meant. “But given how furiously you kissed me last time, I would wager you didn’t find release with the mortals you allowed to touch you. So my guess is that you are still deprived, my Dianna.”
His eyes skittered across my face and lower, my body going hot. I hadn’t heard that endearment in so long, I damn near purred. He fit the hard planes of his body against me, and my belly clenched. Something else replaced my anger, something far more intense and dangerous for both of us.
Overwhelming guilt slammed into me, and I pushed at him. He stepped back, allowing me room to breathe, but not by much. “What, are you judging me now on how I decide to heal?”
“Judge? Not at all. The things I have done to keep myself from feeling far outnumber yours and forever will. Trust me. You’d have to live a millennium to catch up to me.” He scoffed. “You’re right that I don’t get to dictate how you heal, but gods, Dianna, you could’ve used me. I would have let you, and you know it. Anything you desired, whenever you wanted, any way you wished. All you have to do is ask.”
My body trembled with the effort to keep from throwing myself at him and accepting all he offered. I ached to let him take me right here against this godsdamned wall. I knew he meant what he said. He’d given me several demonstrations of how well he could distract me, but it wouldn’t help heal what was broken and wrong and angry inside of me. I was afraid nothing could.
“That’s great.” My voice didn’t sound nearly as stern as I wanted it to. “I’ll pass. Can you move now?”
A small smile spread across his face as he caught my eyes lingering on his lips, and I hated him even more. He leaned forward, and I held my breath, assuming he was about to test my conviction and prove me a liar. I would be lying if I said my mouth didn’t open slightly in anticipation. He was a hair’s breadth away before he pushed off the wall and headed toward the foyer. I took a deep breath, taking the time to regain what little composure I had left and convince myself I was not disappointed. Pushing from the wall, I followed after him.
Samkiel gathered some papers from the table in the middle of the room and picked up a jacket he’d thrown over the back of a chair. “I’ll be back in a few days.”
“A few days?” My voice emerged shrill, and I nearly winced.
“Yes. I have a lot to catch up on with the council. You have been in and out of consciousness for a week.”
A week? My mind scrambled, trying to process everything but getting stuck on just one piece of information. Three days? Here? Alone? My fingers bit into my palms. No, I couldn’t do it. He couldn’t leave me alone like that with only my thoughts. I’d drown.
“You can’t leave me here that long.”
