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“Walk with me?” I ask, and she squeezes my hand extra tight.
“It would be my pleasure.”
We talk a long, slow walk around the lake. It isn’t very big but we amble, taking our time. I start to talk but we have moments. Pauses to take in the flowers, the water, the sunrise. Peppering words with tender kisses and gentle touches.
“I didn’t know my parents; I was so young when they died. Not even two years old. So, I don’t have memories, I have photographs and stories. When I was a kid, their friends used to tell me about them. I didn’t really understand that much then, some stories stay with you, but life goes on and those friends got their own families and maybe they think about my mom when they see hear her favorite song, or my dad when his birthday comes around. Maybe they wonder about me, that sadness, poor Alexa, I wonder what she is doing with herself these days. But it faded away, the visits, the phone calls, the cards. This place is where I feel my mom and dad, where I know them. This is where they got married. My mom was already pregnant with me. My grandmama is traditional like that and she ushered my father into it a little. But they have it on video, not the wedding itself. I don’t think they much cared for the church part, but the after-party they had here. At the side of the lake. There are other videos of them together, other moments captured. But the wedding tape is hours and hours of laughter, dancing, singing, smiling, and it is just filled with love. I feel like I was there, that I knew them on that day. So, when I want to be close to them. I come here.”
I feel so stupid. I haven’t cried about my parents in a long time, but a tear leaks from the corner of my eye and streaks my cheek. Dahlia notices but she doesn’t move to stop it.
“I think that we all have a loss, a sadness that we carry around with us. Some people just know life without it and then it hits them. Others, they carry it all their lives and know no different. Your parents sound like lucky people in one way. To have love, you, happiness. I don’t know if that makes it better or worse.”
“I think better, I try and see the positive in that, they had a happy life. They don’t carry the sadness, and I haven’t had to carry it alone. I too have been lucky to have my grandparent to help bear the weight with me.”
“I didn’t have anyone really. I know…” Dahlia pauses, “Mr. Suit can be an asshole, but he is the only one really who has been there. His interest in my wellbeing is selfish, but it is there always. I hadn’t had that for a long time and now I don’t know what I would do without him.”
The sun begins to shine warm and bright, slowly climbing the sky. Our hands are threaded together as we head off the path and into the meadow. The tall grass tickles against her bare legs, Dahlia’s dress is light and made of cotton, delicate flowers printed across it; she has taken her big sweater off and the light dances across her skin. As we reach the clearing, I take out a blanket and bring it to my nose, it smells of cherry blossom soap powder. I smile at her with a shy smile and spread it out on the grass, watching her as she lays out on it, more beautiful than ever in the golden morning light. She shakes her lovely red hair loose.
“My marriage, as I am sure you can now understand was just a publicity thing. I am obviously gay and not the only one in that marriage that was. He was nice in the beginning. No, correction, he acted nice in the beginning but it didn’t last. But I had a contract and I had to fulfill it for my side of the deal to stand. So I did. I put up with it, I played my part. But it was torture. A nightmare. A million miles from where I am now. Here with you.”
I feel so shy. The soft blush rises to my cheeks instantly, there is no rope to hide behind here. My fingers carry a tiny tremble as I take a tense deep breath, my eyes finding hers. That moment when they meet, I feel mine well up with tears again. Pure uninhibited emotion.
As her soft sweet voice continues my hips start to sway softly. I circle my ankles, shake off my shoes and feel my pink-painted toes run through the grass.
The thin straps of her dress rest against her collarbone. Her summer tan already faded, her skin is soft and creamy, just the tiniest kiss of the sun still lingering. Her dress blows in the wind and goosebumps line her skin. My confidence grows under her watchful gaze and I bite my lip as I pull the strap from her shoulders.
Her dress doesn’t just fall, it clings to her breasts, hugging her body tight so I have to peel it from her skin. The slow reveal of full firm breasts, her nipples are still soft for a brief moment but hardening almost instantly, the breeze caressing them. Following the curves of her body, the dip of her waist, and the flare of her hips, my fingertips continue their undoing.
My hands glide down my clothes and I start to undress myself, peeling away my clothes before meeting her. My palms move to her thighs, her dress finally falls and she is naked. No panties. Just her. Her instinct is to cover, her hands already sliding between her legs to cup her shy but wanting pussy, arms moving across her breasts. But my look stops her.
I lower slowly onto my knees, moving towards her. Making my way up her body, my breasts sway a little with each movement, and I feel my body bared to the elements, nature’s gentle kiss on my skin. I wonder if she can see in my eyes how I feel, how she makes me feel.
She holds herself up on her elbows, her thighs together so I can straddle her. My fingers walk up to her chest as I burst into a smile. I rest, hovered slightly above her, my knees bent, sliding wider. Each deep breath makes my breasts rise and fall. My fingers trail through her hair as my thumbs run over her cheekbones. She is so beautiful, so American, I grin to myself and also, so mine.
Cupping her face, I bring Dahlia to me as I move to her. Always in sync, we share a soft, light kiss. Our lips barely moving, the gentle touch of her breath on mine, just offering each other a tender caress and the promise of a thousand more. “You give me butterflies,” I whisper softly to the breeze and I lose myself in her.
12
My feet pound the pavement beneath me. I try to keep focused but the thoughts whirl and swirl. I don’t want a relationship. I want to win medals. I want to be an athlete. I want an apartment that I don’t have to share with assholes. I want, I want, I want. The list is long and the needs are there. I am desperate for a change in my life. But love? Love isn’t something I even know how to give.
Except no matter how much my brain rejects the notion and pushes it to one side to discard it, the facts remain. I can feel it inside me. She is all I can think about. I can taste her on my lips. Hear her voice in my head. She plays on repeat even when I am trying not to think about her, and all the time we are apart, I crave her.
I am falling in love with Dahlia Dante.
“I don’t get it, Alexa… You have the form, you have the fitness, you have the willpower, but you are distracted, unfocused. You are making mistakes, setting the wrong pace, taking the corners wide, you nearly clipped your heels on that turn there and yet you’ve made it cleanly for at least ten years. However, your speed is more than I have ever seen, you are getting better and better times. If you can get your focus back and run at this pace… I feel like we are there. But what is wrong? Why can’t you focus?”
I stop and bend over, doubled as my lungs cry at the lack of air, my muscles burning, and I feel the spasms. But also, I feel a sense of achievement because Andy is right. I am running faster, setting new personal bests, and I can’t explain the change. I just have more energy, more power, more drive. But … less focus.
“I don’t know, Andy. I guess it’s just life. You know me, I have always put everything into this, but recently, I have been …”
“Living?” he finishes for me as I falter, and I look at his knowing face.
“As your coach and trainer, I am pissed. You have… oh, I don’t even want to think about this, but you have, like… days to get this together. On the other hand … watching you have something other than this in your life makes me really happy.”
I reach for him and I pull him into a sweaty hug. He stiffens at first and then he relaxes. We have never hugged before. Even though I feel like I have known him all my life, we have never crossed a line or a boundary. But I felt like this was a moment so I took it. He pulls back after a second looking a little sheepish.
“Hugging doesn’t mean you get a discount, you know,” he says with an awkward smile.
“I feel like we shouldn’t do that again,” I laugh and he nods, agreeing.
