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“I worry that I’m not good enough for her. I worry that I’ll never compare to Helen and to what she had with her.” Vic surprised herself as her deep-seeded fear that she hadn’t even dared admit to herself came spilling out from her lips.
“Victoria Grey-Hughes! You are an Olympic champion. You have focus and the ability to dedicate yourself to achieving anything. Most people would love to have the skills that you possess.”
Vic moved Satan in a Half-Pass movement across the arena, nearly taking out Erin and Shimmer in the process.
“But, I’m not kind and nice and loving, like Helen.”
“You think you can’t be those things? I think you absolutely can be those things. I see kindness in you every single day, the way you take a horse that nobody else understands and show it kindness and understanding and bring out the best in it. You take on a scrawny, scared rescued dog and show it love and bring it back to health. And, most of all, with Hyzenthlay, you love her fiercely, you are kind to her always. You are more than capable of being those things for someone you care about.”
Vic let Erin’s words sink in. Maybe she could do it.
Erin continued. “And… it’s okay to have loved before. It doesn’t mean we are incapable of loving again. It doesn’t mean you need to be better than Helen or will even be compared to Helen. Julia loved Helen and that was tragically taken away from her. It doesn’t mean she can’t fall in love again. There’s enough love to go around. Is that what you want?”
Vic focussed on Satan, moving him around the arena, asking him for more advanced dressage movements, which he obediently complied with.
She pulled him to a halt abruptly.
“I feel like I want to care for her. But I also desperately want to have sex with her. Is that love? I just, well, I might be a fucking expert with difficult horses and troubled dogs, but I’m no fucking expert in love and relationships.”
“That’s what it feels like for me, yes. That intense desire to care for and protect them. Alongside the sexual desire.”
“You and the Queen are my fucking relationship role models, you know that? If you guys can get your happy ever after, there has to be hope for the rest of us mere mortals.”
Erin laughed.
“It isn’t fucking funny, Bodyguard. I’m scared. Honestly, I’m fucking terrified.”
Erin stopped laughing. “Oh, I know. That’s the thing about love. It is magical and fucking terrifying all tied up together.”
“Oh brilliant, that is so reassuring.” Vic pulled Satan to a halt. He had been exceptional.
“Okay, let’s get these sweaty horses washed off, then I’m going to turn Satan out in the field for the afternoon. He deserves some fresh grass and sunshine on his back.”
After getting the horses hosed down, Hyzenthlay was still napping in the wheelbarrow with Naomi keeping an eye on her. Erin had had to go back to London ,and Vic walked Satan down to the field with her little tribe of dogs following her. She unfastened his headcollar and released him and he immediately turned and cantered away up the field kicking his heels up in the air. He then threw himself down on the grass, rolling on his back, delighted to be alive and in a grassy field. Oh, how simple happiness was for dogs and horses. If only it was that simple for us.
Vic sat on the grass in the corner of the field watching Satan happily now munching the grass. Bear rolled on his back next to her and she ruffled the fur of his belly.
“Ah, you are such a good boy. You have the best fur coat, don’t you!”
He groaned happily as Linda, the elderly golden retriever, flopped down next to them.
Vic pulled her phone out of her pocket.
“So, my darlings, what do I do? Do I text Swoolia? What do I say?”
The dogs lay on the grass without responding. Vic pulled up Julia’s name on her phone and began to type.
Hey, so the other night was amazing…
Delete. Ugh, that sounds ridiculous. Nothing even happened the other night.
Hey Julia, I hope you are alright. I was wondering if maybe you wanted to do something together on your next day off? I really enjoyed our day in London. Love Vic.
Vic pressed send before she had too much time to think about it. Then she threw her phone down and lay back in the cool grass, letting the sunshine fall over her. Julia was probably the kind of person who didn’t respond to personal messages when she was working. Julia was definitely that kind of person. It could be hours before she got a response. If she got a response. What if Julia regretted kissing her? What if Julia regretted letting her stay over?
Her phone beeped and she sat bold upright nearly hitting Bear in the face as she sat up.
“Fuck.”
