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Samantha nodded and headed into the room. When she was nearly through the doorway, she felt a tug on her hand. Turning, she found Bryce tugging her back to him.
“I’ll stay out here. You go ahead and take whatever time you need,” he said softly.
“But he’s your brother,” she objected.
“Yeah. And I’ll see him when you’re finished.”
Samantha took a slow breath to steel herself before walking into the room. The sheet was pulled up to his chest with his arms on the outside. Both arms had tape securing disconnected IV catheters on the inside of his elbows. An endotracheal tube was secured to his mouth, despite no longer being connected to anything. Noticeable bruising surrounded his closed eyes. The hair on the top of his head appeared caked with blood.
Samantha took several slow steps until she reached his bedside. Taking in the sight of him, she continued to wait for the sadness to hit. His hand was cold beneath hers when she touched it. Slowly, she moved her hand and placed it on his chest as she said a silent goodbye.
“Okay,” she whispered from the doorway.
Bryce quickly made his way over to her and gripped her elbow. “Okay?”
His firm touch shook her from her trance. “Yes. You go on in.”
“You don’t have to rush. Take all the time you need, Samantha.”
“I don’t need any more time. Go ahead and see your brother,” Samantha insisted.
She sat down and watched as Bryce finally made his way inside the room. The curtains were drawn so she couldn’t see past where he walked in, but she could imagine the shock he must have felt seeing his flesh and blood cold and lifeless before him. She had no idea what came next.
She leaned forward and rested her elbows on her legs, cradling her face in her hands. It had been a long day, and it wasn’t even close to over. Closing her eyes, she took several slow breaths to calm herself down. She still hadn’t felt the wave of sadness she was waiting for but figured it would show up once the anxiety waned.
When she heard someone take the seat next to her, she turned to see who it was. Expecting someone from the hospital, she was surprised to see Bryce. He couldn’t have taken long to say his goodbyes since it felt like she had just sat down. He sat with his eyes closed as he took several unsteady breaths.
“You okay?” she asked.
He took one more deep breath before he answered. “I will be. He’s my little brother, you know? I never thought he would go first. Even with him being a firefighter, the thought never really crossed my mind. As shitty as things were between us, I assumed there would be plenty of time to work things out if I wanted to.”
It was Samantha’s turn to take his hand. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“Me too,” he said solemnly. “I can’t imagine what you must be going through.”
Samantha gave his hand a squeeze before returning her hand to her lap. “I don’t think it’s hit me yet. I mostly feel anxious knowing I have funeral arrangements to make. I don’t even know where to start.”
Bryce sat forward in his chair. “Don’t stress out over that. Not now. It’s late. Nothing has to happen right now. Go home and get some rest. Give yourself some time to feel.”
Samantha stared at him in disbelief. What he said wasn’t earth-shattering. He was being completely reasonable. She just wasn’t used to anyone reminding her to take care of herself. But he was absolutely correct. There was no emergency. She could go home, regroup, and then go back to iron out all the details.
She pulled him into an impromptu hug. “Thank you. I needed to hear that.”
“I’ll help you,” he offered. “Just tell me what you need.”
Before she could respond, she looked up to find two older gentleman approaching. They wore navy blue pants, a white button-down shirt with patches on each sleeve, pins in the collar, a navy blue tie, and held white hats in their hands.
“Mrs. Tate?” the younger of the men asked confidently. “Chief Barnes, and this is Monsignor Paul Santiago, the department chaplain. I’m very sorry for your loss. We can assist with anything you might need, including the funeral arrangements, if you would like. Even though his death was not in the line of duty, he was on his way to a department event. Many traditions are a part of the funeral for any actively serving firefighter. Unless you wish for a private service for family, which is also alright. Everything is up to you.”
“Thank you so much,” Samantha replied. “Do the arrangements need to be made tonight? I’m exhausted and just want to go home. Maybe tomorrow I can look at everything with fresh eyes and it won’t feel so overwhelming.”
“We got here as soon as possible hoping you wouldn’t be gone before we could offer our sincere condolences and offer any help on behalf of the department. Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you need anything,” the chaplain said as he fished his pockets for a business card. “Nothing has to be decided tonight. Please take my card and call if you need anything. Anything at all.”
Samantha nodded, accepting a card from each man.
“I can come to you within the next few days to go over the details of a department funeral, if you’d like,” Chief Barnes added. “And if you decide to go that direction, we can take over and get things started for you right away.”
“That sounds really good,” Samantha said. “Would it be okay if his brother sits in with me? He’s known him his entire life. He should have some say.”
