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I think back to our last goodbye and stopping her from saying the words I knew I wouldn’t be able to fight against. I did that for her sake. She’s caught up in this world for now, so maybe she feels she can manage in it. But she deserves a life away from the brutality of my world. She can’t run a bookstore and be a Bratva wife. She doesn’t want to worry about taking her child to the park or school in fear of one of my enemies.
No. I made the right choice. But fucking hell, I’d rather be shot a hundred times than feel this pain.
My phone rings. Checking the ID, I see it’s Robbie. Good. I’m not in the mood to talk with Niko or Donovan or Lucy. I answer, and Robbie gives me an update on the hunt for the missing Babichev men. He also gives an update on my business, something I haven’t been giving enough attention to. When I hang up the phone, I still feel like shit, but now I know I can distract myself by reengaging in business. My first stop is to connect with my online gambling managers. A shit-ton of money is made through that segment of my business, and better yet, it’s fantastic for laundering my illicit income.
For the next few weeks, my days are filled with power. I take it. I wield it. There’s no question who is Boss.
But at night, the emptiness consumes me. Drinking it away doesn’t work, but it doesn’t stop me from downing a fifth of booze every night. I even bought ecstasy at my club one night, but it brought on hallucinations of Kate. Sexy, sweet Kate.
The other day, I walked into the FBI to confront the agent I felt betrayed me. I should have been arrested. Not only because I’m now head of the Bratva, but because I assaulted an FBI agent. But I walked out of the building unscathed. I’m still scratching my head about that.
Driving too fast in the country. Daring my enemies to take me on. Starting a fight in a bar. I’ve done it all, and none of it works to fill the gaping hole in my soul. Nothing works. I think I’ll end up committed if I have to continue to live like this. That’s in my future, I suppose. The psych ward or death. I hope it’s the latter.
31
KATE
Last night, I had a firsthand view of what it’s like to be the wife of a criminal. I was in the sitting room with Elena who was trying to be stoic, but I saw she was worried sick about Niko. And it was probably my fault. Earlier, I’d once again barged into Niko’s office, demanding to know what they were doing to find Liam.
Finally, Lucy told me the situation. “He’s not where he thought he’d be nor anywhere we think Babichev would take him.”
“What about that place your father took me? That other Russian guy was there, remember? That’s where Liam, Niko, and Donovan were too.”
All eyes went to me, then to each other.
“He wouldn’t be that stupid, would he?” Niko asked.
“We should go.” Lucy was already out the door, with Donovan and Niko right behind. That was nearly twelve hours ago.
“I guess you’re rethinking being with Liam,” Elena said to me as we waited to hear the outcome. “This isn’t the first time I’ve had to sit and wait… and wonder,” she finishes.
“I just want everyone to come home safe.”
The door to the sitting area opened and Niko strode in. Elena was out of her seat and in his arms in an instant. Donovan and Lucy followed him in. I stood, looking beyond them for Liam, but no one else was there.
“Where’s Liam?”
“He’s gone home,” Niko had said.
My heart stopped. Was that a euphemism for heaven?
“God, Niko.” Lucy glared at him. “Not home like to his maker. Home to his place in Manhattan.”
“He’s okay?”
“He’s a little worse for the wear, but he’s fine. Fuck, I need a drink.” Niko scraped his hand over his face.
Like magic, Rosa entered with a tray of glasses and a bottle of whisky.
“Why isn’t he here?” I ask.
Niko downed his drink and then turned his attention to me. “Because he’s a fucking coward.”
“Asshole. You know what? I’ll go make him come back.” Lucy headed to the door, but Donovan put out his arm and wrapped it around her waist.
“Honey, not even you can make that mule budge.”
I sink down onto the couch. “He doesn’t want me.”
