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"I can see that. They make you happy."
I smiled when I heard sounds of laughter coming from inside the house. "I lost so much time with her. I don't want to lose any more. I want to see them every day, not just on weekends. I want to put Flora to bed every night, not just on Saturdays. I want more kids with Isha."
And if we kept fucking the way we were, without protection, I'd hopefully knock her up sooner than later. She was trusting me with that, with so much, even if she didn't want to admit it, accept it. She was as skittish as an abused filly—and I had been one of her abusers. I understood. I didn't like it any better.
"You deserve it. Do you want to move back to the house? I'm sure we can—"
"Not while Caitlyn is here. I'm sorry, Ace, but I can't fuckin' stand your wife."
"Yeah, me too," he said somberly.
I raised my eyebrows. "What's going on?"
"I think we're getting divorced. Her not being here for Thanksgiving is probably the beginning of the end. She said she wanted the girls for Christmas with her parents. I guess we're splitting the kids' time like divorced couples do."
"Can you get full custody?" I asked.
"She won't give it."
"We can buy her out? She likes money."
He let out a breath, and drank some whiskey. "I don't have that kind of money, Rowan."
"I do."
"And you'll give it to her?"
"Sure."
He let out a harsh laugh. "I've fucking hated you for most of my life. Even when I loved you I despised you for being better than me. But you've never ever not taken care of me. I made sure you wouldn't have Isha, and you forgave me. Hell, she forgave me. It fucking makes me detest you more for being the good guy while I'm the asshole."
I watched the flames, and then turned to my brother. "Being an asshole is a choice, Ace. You can choose to not be a dick. You know that, right?"
Ace grimaced. "Yeah."
"We've all made mistakes. The measure of a person is how they move forward when they know better. You can choose to beat yourself up and remain a dumbass, or you can pull your head out of your ass, and be the man I know you can be."
"No one has believed in me but you," he breathed. "Not even Mama."
"The only person you need to believe in you, Ace, is you. No one else. Talk to the lawyer and let me know. Whatever you need to get out of this marriage is fine by me. If you want to stay married, that's fine as well. Just get your life together, brother."
That night, Isha told me that she'd overheard part of my conversation with Ace.
"He looks up to you, but he's also jealous of you." She lay on her side facing me. "You're a good man, Rowan Ledger."
"You make me want to be a better person," I confessed. "Until you, I didn't know what was inside me."
She caressed my cheek, and I moved my face to kiss her fingers.
"Until you, I didn't know what was inside me, either. Loving you was painful, but it was also…freeing in so many ways."
"I will never knowingly hurt you again," I promised.
"I believe you…and it scares the bejesus out of me that I do."
Chapter 34
Isha
