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"I understand."
I dusted my hands on my thighs. I wasn't sure if I was relieved or saddened by his easy capitulation. Relieved, yep, that was it.
"Can we date?" he asked as I got off the bench.
"I thought you said you understood."
"I do. I'd like to date you. Take it slow and see…you know…."
"See what?" I demanded, feeling so utterly exhausted by the pull and push inside my heart. Didn't this man understand that a part of me wanted to leap with joy and take whatever crumbs he'd throw my way? But the mum in me would not make the mistakes of a young, unencumbered girl.
"See how we can be together," he replied calmly, coolly, like he had all the answers, no matter the question.
"You live in Montana. I live here."
"Don't worry about that. I'll come here, and once you get comfortable, you can come to—"
"Don't you dare say the Ledger Ranch. I'd rather be tied to a hill of red ants in the scorching midday sun than go to that place with you," I hissed.
How dare he? How the fuck dare he?
"I'm not saying right away. After we—"
"There is no universe in which I'll ever set foot there again. So, if that's your grand plan, get going, Cowboy; this conversation is over."
I'd been keeping my temper in check, keeping the chaos at bay, but no way, no way would I ever go to that beautiful land where my innocence was taken from me. Oh, I'm not talking about my stupid virginity, I'm talking about my naïve assumptions about people, about trusting people even after the crap childhood I'd had.
"I'd love to date you in New York," he breathed.
"Why? I don’t get it." I flung my hands in the air. "Is this you trying to work through your guilt? Because I'm not your fucking Band-Aid. Find some other way to feel better. See a shrink."
I was steadily getting worked up, and there didn't seem to be much I could do to calm myself down. That he seemed so unperturbed by my outburst frustrated me only more.
"This is me wanting to win the woman I love back."
I glared at him. "Fuck you, Rowan Ledger."
"Anytime you want, Isha. But I'd like to spend time with you first."
I heard a snicker and turned to see Mick at the back door. "Get out of here," I yelled at him.
"Man, I wish I'd recorded this. It's fucking hilarious."
"Go away, Mick, and keep my baby girl away from here."
"Aye, aye, Captain."
I turned back to face Rowan and saw a small smile on his face. Well, hell, everyone thought this was funny.
"I don't believe you when you say you love me. What does it mean to you? To be in love?"
"That you're inside me, and I'm inside you. I know you, the real you, and I've let you see me as well."
My eyes filled with tears. That was the same answer I gave him six years ago when he asked me a similar question.
"You don't know me," I choked out. "You do not know who I am."
"You were the most charming, elegant, kind, and sweet woman I'd ever met. Now, I see all those things in you as well as a loving mother and friend, a kind caregiver to everyone around her…and your beauty still takes my breath away."
