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Me: No, she's trying to set me up with one of the bridesmaids.
That shut him up. I'd been with only a few women since Isha left, and each time, I was left feeling worse until I'd just stopped getting my dick wet. How long would this woman haunt me?
But it wasn't just the woman. The things I said to Isha when I left her, and the way I treated her made me hate myself. She'd been a kid. A baby. Twenty-one fucking years old. I'd been the adult in the relationship. I should never have touched her, but when I did, I should've had the decency to treat her right, which I also didn't do.
"I love you, Rowan." Those words were still etched in my heart and mind, just as the sound of her voice and the warmth I felt hearing them were, before fear took over because I didn't understand what love meant.
But now, six years later, I was less of an asshole, or as Isha would say arsehole, and I wondered if I'd lost my only chance at love. Because what I'd learned was that no matter that she pretended to be innocent and that Ace had been her lover—he'd confirmed that, yeah, he'd slept with her, and there were several others in London who had—I'd fallen in love that summer at the Ledger Ranch with Isha George.
I didn't regret that she was gone because a relationship that had no trust would not last; and we had none of that between us. I'd never trusted her, and I'd made sure she never would trust or want me with the way I walked away from her the morning she left Montana.
I rubbed a hand over my face as the memories came crashing in, which they always did, because they were never too far away.
I’d thought of finding her. Ace would have her contact information, but I didn’t. What would I say? What could I say? I love you, baby, let’s try to…what?
I looked at the time and sighed. I’d promised a friend I’d gone to Yale with, that I’d have dinner with him at his place in Manhattan.
I’d walked out of the apartment the Ledger family kept in New York before Caitlyn could start off on the whole rehearsal dinner nonsense hours before my dinner appointment.
I should’ve gotten a hotel room, I thought. Sure, the apartment on Fifth Avenue was large, and I didn't have to see my family if I didn't want to, but I couldn't stand my sister-in-law. The minute I heard her voice, it was like nails on a chalkboard. I didn't know how Ace tolerated her. The woman was vapid and selfish. But the marriage was good for the ranch. The relationship with the Masons had been financially beneficial to the Ledger fortune. As Jack Mason was getting close to retirement, he'd been selling off his assets to me.
I'd thought Caitlyn would get better after she had children, but that hadn't happened. I moved out of the ranch house a year after Isha left. I commandeered one of the cabins on the property and renovated it. It was basic, but I liked it. Just two bedrooms instead of fifteen. A living, dining, and kitchen combined space, a couple of bathrooms. Good Wi-Fi. What else did I need?
The cook from the main house made sure my kitchen was stocked with prepared meals so I could avoid the dinner hoopla with Ace, Caitlyn, and their two daughters. I preferred to see my nieces without their parents. Amy was five, and Carla was three. They were cute as buttons, and I adored them. They liked to hang out with their Uncle Ro. When Ace and Caitlyn went away, which thankfully they did a lot, I stayed at the main house so I could be with the girls. I read them stories and put them to bed. I taught them how to ride. I dropped them off and picked them up from school whenever I was at home. I didn't think I'd have children, so Amy and Carla were as good as mine.
I looked up Claudio's address and closed out my tab at the bar. His place was a few blocks away.
It was a beautiful summer evening in New York, and I enjoyed walking in the city. During the summer, I thought about Isha more than I normally did. I remembered the rides we went on. I remembered when I took her fishing. I remembered spending time with her at the lake. I masturbated to the memory of that one night of amazing sex.
For a man who'd driven away the woman who owned his heart, I was certainly behaving like a love-sick fool. But then, I hadn't known she had my heart. It had taken some time for the anger and feeling of confusion to dissipate, and then the realization had struck me. She'd gotten to me just as much as I'd gotten to her.
Ace didn't talk about her, not after the time when I'd come back from seeing her take the airport shuttle from the hotel; her bright light dimmed. I'd sat in my SUV, wanting a last glance of her. I should've guessed then that she meant something to me, but I'd been too stubborn to admit it. Now that I had, it changed little. I'd spent three weeks with my brother's girlfriend, and what was twenty-one days in a lifetime?
I hadn't seen Claudio for several years. I bumped into him the last time I was in New York; we'd caught up and since then kept in touch. When I told him I was coming for a wedding, he'd insisted that I have dinner at his place. He wanted me to meet his wife. He thought the world of her and his daughter.
I got his girl a gift. I knew what five-year-old girls liked now that I had two nieces who I bought things for all the time, to the point that even Caitlyn, the most spoilt woman in the world, accused me of indulging her daughters too much.
The wrapped present was a children's book about horses that a Montana local had written and illustrated. Amy and Carla loved it, so I thought Claudio's daughter would as well.
I wondered if Isha had found someone, gotten married, had kids. I wondered if she still had panic attacks. I never found out why she had them in the first place. Some trauma from her childhood was my guess. And I had added to that suffering with my own brand of assholery.
The doormen told me to go straight up to the thirty-fifth floor and that Mr. and Mrs. Pacifico were expecting me.
I was a reluctant guest at best. I'd made a commitment, and I was going to follow through. I wasn't in the mood to see happy families. Before Isha, I was vehemently opposed to ever marrying or having children. After her, I couldn’t see myself committing to any other woman.
Yeah, so I was pretty fucked.
Claudio opened the door of his apartment. I hugged him.
“Come in, come in. My wife is so excited to meet you. She’s heard all the stories.”
I walked in and it hit me. It was her scent. I felt like an animal, sniffing his mate.
Like in a dream, as I stood in the foyer of Claudio’s apartment, the woman who took up a whole lot of real estate in my mind was kneeling in front of a little girl.
Fucking hell. She was Claudio’s wife?
“Four kisses for Luisa,” the little girl said.
