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He stepped back from me. I could see his face in the dim light from the front of the building. His sharp cheekbones seemed sharper. His blue eyes were darker. There was a cruel twist to his mouth.
I leaned against the wall for support.
I was going to let my first time be against a wall behind a bar in the middle of nowhere with a man who wanted to know when I’d had sex with his brother last. This was not how I intended to lose my virginity.
"Isha," he muttered. I dropped my gaze and watched his hands zip up his pants and buckle his belt.
He came close to me, and I flinched, beginning to shake.
"Shh, it's okay. It's okay." He pulled my camisole back down to cover me. He stroked my hair. "It's okay. You're okay."
He pulled me into a hug and held me, stroking my back.
It took a long minute and then, I began to cry. I didn't know why, but all the pent-up emotions from the past weeks came crashing down. I couldn't stop. Me, Isha George, who hardly ever cried, let myself go.
Rowan just held me, murmuring soothingly, telling me I was all right. That everything was okay.
When the storm quieted, I moved away from him, and wiped my tears.
"I'm sorry about that. I can't believe I just had a crying jag all over you."
"It's okay," he smiled.
"Why did you ask me about Ace?"
His face hardened, and he laughed. It was harsh, deliberately cruel. "Darlin', no matter how hot you get me, I'm not putting my dick inside you if my brother's been there recently. I'm not into sloppy seconds, especially my brother's."
I'm an idiot. I'm the biggest, daftest idiot.
"Oh." I felt bereft and untethered. I looked around, confused. I'd just had my first orgasm with a man, and he was worried about sloppy seconds.
No one had ever made me feel this cheap, this dirty before.
I should've left after that incident in the bunkhouse. I shouldn't have stayed, panting like a bitch in heat, hoping Rowan Ledger would throw me a bone. That's why I'd stayed, hadn't I? Because I'd fallen in love with this hard, unyielding man. How had that happened in such a short time? After all these years of taking care of myself, I'd thrown it all away, and for what? A shag against the wall of a bar like a cheap whore?
"Isha, you okay?"
I pulled into myself when he reached out to touch my shoulder. He saw me cower and dropped his hand.
"Come on, you got off and left me holding my dick. I should be the one who's pissed." His tone was teasing, but I wasn't sure if he was joking. Did he expect me to give him an orgasm now?
"Come on, baby, don't you want to feel me inside you? Fucking you?" he whispered harshly.
"I…I need…I…." I was breathing hard, trying to avoid a panic attack. I used to have them a lot some years ago, after a terrible incident at the home with Yas and me. A counselor had given me tools to manage it.
As I took shallow breaths, I looked around and whispered, "Wall, truck, stone."
"What?" Rowan asked, coming closer but paused when I shrank back into the wall.
Identify three sounds. "Music, laughter, and a motorcycle engine."
Rowan stared at me like I'd lost my mind, but I phased him away, trying to get back to myself. I could hear Yasmine's voice. Now, move three of your body parts. Come on, Isha, you can do this.
I clenched and unclenched my right fist. Closed my eyes and opened them. And then tapped my foot.
"What the fuck?" I heard Rowan say.
"Three things my body is touching," I whispered.
