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“Why are you praying for me? Do you think God needs to fix me? Or are you trying to?”
The complete and sudden change in his tone had Reese reeling.
“I—what? No. You don’t want me praying for you? What can it hurt?”
“It hurts you,” he said, his words icy. “And it hurts me to know that you’re just another delusional person. Just like my mom. Still sitting in a pew every Sunday even after my alcoholic pastor Dad walked away without a second look.”
In all their talking last night, the subject of his dad never came up. Reese had suspected the wound ran deep, based on the fact that he completely avoided mentioning him. Now, staring at Sterling, she could see the evidence of that pain in his face and his body. Even his words, which were cruel and hard.
Reese took a deep breath and tried to calm her aching heart. This was not about her or their relationship—if they still had one at the end of the conversation. Which she already suspected they wouldn’t, just based on the bitterness emanating from him. This was about Sterling, bitter and broken before her with hurt that ran deeper than she could have known. She knew that this was the worst time to have a conversation like this, since his emotions were already heightened. Too late now.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “About your dad.”
“We aren’t talking about him.” Sterling practically sneered.
Reese tried to remind herself that this wasn’t about her, not really. But she couldn’t believe the switch from his kind, tender words to this. She was doing her very best to speak gently, even though his words and his tone cut her so deeply that it felt like the air was being ripped from her lungs.
“We’re talking about you. And how weak and foolish you are to believe that there is some kind of God in charge when everything down here is chaos.”
Reese willed her tears not to make an appearance. She would not cry right now. “It does seem that way a lot,” Reese said. “Believing in God doesn’t make things pretty or easy.
“It doesn’t seem that way; it is that way. The world is a big giant ball, spinning completely out of control and unlike that little kids’ song, it’s in no one’s hands. I can’t believe I didn’t know you were this naïve.”
“I guess we should have talked about this sooner,” Reese said, knowing this was her fault. She hadn’t made it a priority to even bring up faith and obviously she hadn’t shown him through her actions that it mattered to her. Otherwise he wouldn’t be so shocked.
“I guess we should have.”
They stood there for a long moment and Reese felt like she was looking at Sterling across some long distance, not just a few feet. Slowly and tenderly, Reese reached across and put her hand on his arm. He flinched, just slightly, but enough that she saw it.
“You asked earlier if I wanted to fix you. I’m not trying to do that. I believe that God wants us to pray about the things that matter to us in life and the people who matter. He wants to hear about them: the good, the bad, and the ugly. I’ve been pretty bad about praying, especially lately. But I prayed for you and for your family and for May. I’m not going to stop praying for you, Sterling.”
The anger radiated like heat from his body and Reese took a step back, actually a little frightened. It was breaking her heart, seeing him like this. She had found a ragged, bloody wound in him that needed healing and stuck her finger right inside.
Making a frustrated noise, Sterling turned and stormed away, anger punctuating every step. Reese had done her best to pull in her emotions, but she felt that the dam bursting was imminent.
She watched him go, longing to say or do something. But part of what he said was true: she couldn’t fix him. He had revealed a deep brokenness that she couldn’t possibly touch, no matter how she wanted to soothe it. Her care for him didn’t take away the sting of his words, though, and Reese felt like her heart was a crushed, pulpy mess.
As he neared the corner, he barely turned his head as he spoke. “Enjoy the spa. We’ll leave for the airport as soon as I get back. Make sure you’re packed. Oh, and this bubble? Consider it burst.”
Reese watched until he turned the corner, then unlocked the suite with shaking hands. The view outside and the beauty in the room hurt to look at. It was all too much. She didn’t want to lose Sterling. He already meant too much to her. But it didn’t seem like she had much choice.
Reese stood inside the suite, feeling like her heart was being squeezed in a vise. She pressed a hand to her chest and spun, seeing a small door she hadn’t noticed before. She flung it open to reveal a narrow closet, then climbed inside, shutting herself in the darkness where she could finally let out the sobs and wordless prayers.
* * *
Sterling probably should not have gone to the intervention with the storm of emotion he still felt. He probably shouldn’t have been behind the wheel of a car.
He wasn’t mad at Reese for her stupid beliefs as much as he was at himself for not realizing sooner that she was just like his mother, putting her trust in some invisible force that didn’t exist and didn’t care about her and definitely not about him.
But he had come all this way and wouldn’t miss the intervention. For once he would be there for May the way he should have been back then. If only he could quiet the surging anger and pain that seemed to fill the car around him.
Why couldn’t Reese just not have said anything?
He had woken up with a smile on his face, thinking about their date, which remained as the very best night of his life. Beyond playing in front of packed stadiums. The way this one woman looked at him meant more than all his other successes and highs.
Sterling saw something he had never seen in any woman before: a future. This morning, he hadn’t meant to let it slip that he could get used to seeing her every morning. But he meant it. When she had talked about wanting a tiny wedding the night before, he pictured it in his head and he was the groom.
And then it all went to hell.
