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Prologue
LIA, AGE 13
It might have been a party, but it felt more like a funeral; the death of my life as I knew it. How could anyone be happy at a time like this? I slumped down onto a picnic bench and kicked a pebble across the cement pavilion floor. Even if I wanted to be celebrate my big brother, there was no way that was happening. Not today.
Henry was about to leave for college, and Mom organized a going-away party at the community park. All his friends and our family were in attendance; eating, drinking, and being merry in commemoration of the worst thing ever.
Henry was the only one I had, the one person I relied on, and he was on his way out of my life. When he left, I’d be completely alone. I didn’t want to deal with that. Understatement of the century…
Tears welled in my eyes, and I clenched my fists while I eavesdropped on Aunt Mary talking with Mom about Henry’s time playing lacrosse for the Bobcats.
Who cares, Mary?
Henry did a lot of things better than playing sports. He taught me to ride a bike, how to climb trees, and how to do pre-algebra faster than how I learned it in school. We didn’t have a dad, and I guess Mom didn’t want to try with me. Parenting two kids must be too strenuous. But that didn’t matter because Henry had picked up her slack, and I had no idea what I was going to do without him.
For the last month, I sulked and avoided him. I knew he felt guilt for choosing a school so far away, but he claimed it was the best one to take him where he wanted to go. He wanted to go away from me…
My self-afflicted solitary confinement gave me a taste of my upcoming life, and it was bitter. If the celebratory mood was supposed to get me cheered up and partying along with everyone else, it wasn’t working even a little bit. If anything, the pain was more pronounced, not dulled. Every well-wish for Henry was a stab to my heart.
I’m so done.
I grabbed my ratty backpack, a bottle of water from one of the plastic box coolers set along the wall in the stupid cheery pavilion, the last of my stubborn resolve, and bailed. A day surrounded by happy smiling faces didn’t serve me in the slightest, and no one was going to miss me. At least the rest of the park would be quiet.
With the racket of celebration behind me, the rustling of the summer trees took over. Henry brought me to this park a lot while we were growing up. It’s where I tried roller blading for the first time and skinned both my knees and my left forearm. If I looked carefully, I could still see the scars. That used to be a happy memory, but now it caused an ache behind my eyes. This wasn’t fair.
I used to explore every inch of this park while Henry hung out with his friends. I had a cache of impenetrable hiding places even he didn’t know about, and an occasion like this drew me there. Better to continue avoiding the guest of honor that way.
Instead of heading to the wooden castle where my cousins played, I trekked across the field, as far from the party as I could get. People rarely bothered going over there, so I headed in that direction as quick as my legs could carry me.
The sounds of laughter and conversation faded as I withdrew, and I felt like I could breathe. Exactly what I needed. I didn’t feel the urge to socialize on a regular day, and today, I detested the concept. I didn’t need anyone besides Henry, but…
I’d better get used to being alone.
As I neared the edge of the field, I slowed my pace, relaxation winning out over misery. I could hear birds and splashing water from the stream rather than screaming kids and laughing asshole adults. I took a deep breath, held it a couple seconds, and blew it out so my shoulders would release.
It didn’t work. Everything sucked.
Henry often lamented how I should put myself out there more, but why? Why should I? Before this, I was content. My system worked great until he dropped the bombshell of going to college too far away to commute. Replaying that conversation in my head re-inflicted the same slicing wounds on my heart. There was nothing left in my chest but shredded ribbons of confetti. No bright side. No happiness. No hope.
The stream would be my only friend.
I approached the bend where it wound around the park’s perimeter, separating the manicured space from the wild, overgrown woods on the opposite side. The breeze played with the tall grasses growing between the brambles of my sanctuary.
I stretched out beneath a tree and watched the sunlight make kaleidoscope shapes out of the leaves above my head. This whole day was a reminder that everything was going to change. I plucked a wildflower growing nearby and twirled it in my fingers. Henry always told me to let flowers decide when I couldn’t make up my mind about something. Should I forgive him?
I plucked one petal, then another, and another, until I was left with an answer: forgive him. I’m not ready, dumb flower.
Another flower found its way between my fingers and I tucked it into my hair. For later.
Frustration leaked out on a sigh. College was a good thing, right? Henry deserved good things, and college was supposed to be a good thing. I missed talking to him already, though, and it was only a few weeks since I’d started avoiding him. I hadn’t even said congratulations. Guilt gnawed through my calm, and I clenched my jaw.
A peal of raucous laughter interrupted my ruminating. I sat up and peered around the tree I had sprawled out under, and spied a group of teens traipsing through my meadow.
I’m definitely not dealing with them.
I slipped to the edge and down the bank, hopped across a rock path I constructed several summers ago, and scrambled up the steeper bank on the other side of the stream. I needed access to my maximum security hiding place, stat.
On this side of the water, I had a special tree. It had branches that made a bucket seat way up. In there, I wouldn’t need to worry about anyone finding me and telling me how I needed to act or feel. In my tree, no one would make me pretend.
