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“I guess so.”
“I’m sorry I only added to your stress today,” he said.
“You are the least of my worries,” I told him. “And I hope you take that as a reassurance, because it is.”
“Do you want to talk about what else has been bugging you?” he said.
“No,” I said, my knee-jerk reaction taking hold before I could even think about the answer. “Well, I don’t know. I don’t think you’d want to hear it.”
“Try me,” Chase offered. “I didn’t mind talking to you during the night of the blizzard. Hell, I liked it.”
I paused for a moment, considering my options. Truthfully, I liked talking to Chase the night of the blizzard, too, even though opening up to a new person was something I normally wouldn’t have done.
I could do what I always did: cage up my thoughts and feelings and shove them into the darkest corners of my mind, put my walls back up, and go it alone.
And then I decided to toss all of those options out the damn window.
“I went home with Sawyer tonight,” I told Chase. “And I feel like even one night with him in my bed is going to make me want him there all the time. And I learned long ago that wanting someone that badly is the most dangerous thing you can do, because it can be ripped away in one second if anything bad ever happens. I should be more logical about this, like I am with everything else, and I just can’t.”
Chase was stunned. “Harlan, of course you can’t be logical with this,” he said.
I sat there, breathing deep, realizing my heart had started pounding fast again from telling Chase all of this without holding back.
“Fuck,” I said, trying to pull myself together. “Sorry. I don’t usually talk about this kind of stuff with anyone other than… well, Sawyer. And I’m trying to give him space to be himself. To process through this in his own mind. Is that dumb?”
“It isn’t dumb at all,” he said. “You clearly don’t want your friend to feel pressured either way when it comes to these new experiences you two are having.”
My eyes went wide. “Yes. That. Exactly that.”
Chase nodded. It felt like a small miracle. Somewhere along the way, I’d become walled off, expecting that no one would understand how I felt about things. But Chase seemed to get it instantly.
“Harlan,” he said kindly, “it sounds like you haven’t let yourself really feel much of anything strongly in many years. Grief can do that. But don’t let it trick you into thinking anything is wrong about what you’re doing with Sawyer.”
“It’s just so hard to know,” I said. “To know what I’m doing is right, or even okay.”
Chase smiled. “Now you’re sounding like Sawyer.”
It was like he’d turned on a light bulb in my head.
“Holy shit, I do sound like Sawyer,” I said. “I always thought he was crazy to worry about doing the ‘right thing’ so much, but listen to me now.”
“When it has to do with him, you seem to care a lot more.”
When I’d first met Chase, I’d written him off too quickly as a pretty, party-boy type with the blue streak in his hair and his total lack of a filter. But that was stupid of me. He was a great guy, and he was making me realize how blind I could sometimes be.
“You’re right,” I told him.
“Nothing in life is guaranteed,” Chase continued, “but I can tell you that from the outside looking in, I’ve never seen anyone closer than you and Sawyer. It’s like you two were soulmates before you even fucked, which isn’t something I thought was possible.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “It’s all about the sex for you, huh?”
Chase shrugged, reaching a hand up to the blue streak in his hair, pushing it from one side to another. “I mean, I haven’t found true love, so don’t ask me. All I know is that I’m a god in bed.”
“And apparently you’re not very humble about it.”
He shrugged a shoulder. “I know what I’m good at. Using a camera, talking, and having sex.”
“You are good at talking. I can’t believe I’m actually going to say this, but talking things out with you has helped me twice now.”
“Good. I still owe you for making you come in after hours to work, but I’m glad I can help in whatever way I can. Now go home and get in bed with your best friend.”
I gave him a casual salute. “Done.”
When I got home, I was surprised to see that Sawyer had moved to the other side of the bed, tucked under the covers, and at some point he’d turned out the little lamp by the bed. When I got in under the covers next to him, he murmured.
“Everything okay at the brewery?”
