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“It was nice,” I said.
Understatement of the century.
“So what was the issue, then?” Chase asked kindly.
I ran my fingers along the soft fabric of the sofa cushions, replaying the night in my mind.
“I got all emotional on him,” I finally admitted, frustration bleeding into my voice. I swallowed hard, my throat a little tight. “I sort of ended up telling him that he’s the only person I’ve let myself truly care about since my ex.”
“Ah,” Chase said. “You’re worried that you brought up your ex?”
“My ex who died.”
“Shit,” Chase said, genuine concern in his expression. “I had no idea, Harlan. I’m so sorry.”
It was always surreal, even now, when new people found out that I’d had a boyfriend who died. A lot of people didn’t quite know how to respond, and I didn’t blame them at all. I had trouble responding even in normal conversation sometimes, so I understood when people didn’t know how to react to a heavy topic.
“It was eight years ago,” I said with a nod. “I’m okay. And Sawyer was with me every step of the way, when Thomas died. I’m just worried I said too much to him tonight about how deeply I care about him.”
Chase blinked at me. “But you tell Sawyer you love him, like, literally every three minutes.”
I reached out and gave him a shove. “I do not.”
He smiled. “Close to it.”
“Fine. Fair enough.”
“I’ve only known you and Sawyer for a little while, but I can tell you right now, that doesn’t seem like something he’d be freaked out by. I think, if anything, he probably knows exactly how much that must mean to you.”
“I hope so,” I said. “But I feel like I’m unsure about everything, these days. It’s fucking annoying.”
“Did Sawyer clam up after you said it?”
I scratched the back of my neck. “He just told me he loved me as he fell asleep. Goddamn adorable.”
Chase rolled his eyes. “Okay.”
“What? Did you just roll your eyes at me?”
“I sure did.”
“You asshole,” I protested. “Rolling your eyes when I’m telling you emotional shit? I’m going to go back to giving you two-word answers.”
“I’m just missing the part where you think you royally fucked up,” Chase said. “That’s all I’m saying. It sounds like you guys had a hot hookup, cuddled, and then he fell asleep in your arms, all adorable and sexy?”
I sighed. “Because all I can think is that one day soon, once his life settles back into a regular routine, he’s going to wake up and realize what a mistake this was,” I admitted, fear coiling around my chest again. “He’s straight. I’m gay. Our friendship is going to be changed, because there’s no way it couldn’t be.”
“I promise I’m not going to roll my eyes at you again, but I’m going to tell you that it doesn’t exactly sound like he’s straight,” Chase said. “You said he guzzled your cock like it was a Big Gulp on a hot summer day.”
I suppressed a laugh. “Oh yeah? Are those the exact words I used?”
“Big Gulp on a hot summer day, Harlan,” he repeated. “You get my point, though. Sure, he’s probably going to have to process the changes in his life. But sometimes breaking through walls helps people break down other walls inside them. Ones that have been there for a long, long time.”
“Maybe.”
“Sometimes the whole damn building gets an overhaul, you know what I mean?”
I nodded at him. “I hear you. I just can’t bet on that. Not with him.”
Chase looked unconvinced. “Story time,” he said, sitting up straighter on the couch and snapping his fingers.
“Sure. Please. Tell me a story. Anything to get my mind off of the fact that I’m talking about my emotions to a stranger.”
He gave me a sharp, shocked gasp. “A stranger? What the fuck? I’m offended.”
“I found out a way to offend you,” I said. “I feel like I’ve won the lottery.”
“I am not a stranger.”
“Fine. You’re more than a stranger, now.”
He pushed back his hair, smoothing out the part with the blue streak. “I’m a camera guy for a hit TV show that’s been filming at your brewery for weeks and weeks, now. Hell, after seeing you out there in the snow earlier tonight, I’d even call you a real friend.”
I put my hand on my heart. “I’m touched, Chase. Thank you. Now tell me the story already, Smurf Hair.”
“Glad you like the blue,” he said with a wink. “Okay. Story time. I once sucked a guy’s dick for six months straight, no strings attached, before he ever realized he was gay.”
I nodded. “And then?”
“That’s it. That’s the story,” Chase said. “Oh, and he was a redhead.”
“I don’t see how that has anything to do with me and Sawyer, but thank you, Chase. I’m glad you sucked off a redhead for six months once.”
