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I couldn’t stop staring at his lips, plush and rosy and so goddamn kissable. When I’d first met Sawyer, they had been one of the first things I’d noticed about him, and one of the first things I’d taught myself to ignore.
“We really shouldn’t,” I said, my voice a cracked whisper. “Sawyer, it’s not a good idea.”
Half of me didn’t even believe the words I was saying.
“I think a lot of my life has been a series of bad ideas,” he said, his hand moving lower to cup my jaw. Fuck, his eyelashes were pretty. “Isn’t that what makes it fun?”
The clatter of a closing gate came from across the hot tub, and Sawyer dropped his hand, both of us turning to look that way.
“Oh. Hey, Harlan. Hey, Sawyer.”
Chase, the camera guy with the blue streak in his hair, had just come through one of the side gates to the backyard carrying a massive camera on a tripod.
I cleared my throat. It felt like someone had just caught me and Sawyer fucking, even though we’d really just been standing close to one another.
“Evening, Chase,” I said, trying to remember how to act normal.
“I’m supposed to set up the backyard rigs for when we start filming tonight. We’re going to have three different angles, I think, and—wait, holy shit.” He stopped in his tracks, staring toward us.
“What’s up?” Sawyer asked.
He looked from me to Sawyer and back again like he was having a revelation. “Oh my God, I’m such a dick. You guys have something going on between you, don’t you? And I was flirting my fucking ass off the other night with Harlan. I’m so sorry, guys, I wasn’t trying to step on any toes, but Charlie told me you were single, Harlan, and I didn’t know.”
“We aren’t,” I said. “A couple, that is. We don’t, uh, have something going on.”
Chase blinked, cocking his head to one side. Reflections of the hot tub water rippled over the blond and blue in his hair. “Really? I definitely just felt like I was breaking up a good time by interrupting you guys back here. Looked kind of hot, actually, if you want the truth.”
“Hey! There he is,” a voice came from behind us. Nathan appeared, waving to Chase. “Let’s get some more party lights on out here in the backyard. I think the rotating blue and purple will look good on camera, what do you think, Chase?”
Soon, the two of them were tied up in a conversation about camera angles and lighting, and more of the TV show camera crew started to file into the backyard.
“They’re going to need a lot of footage with you tonight, I assume,” I told Sawyer, completely sidestepping the fact that Chase had just assumed we were a couple.
“Unfortunately, yes,” Sawyer said. “I think I’m going to have cameras pointed at me for the next two hours, at least. They said earlier that they want to get some interview footage in, too.”
“I’m going to head home, then,” I told him. I was trying so hard to have my voice sound neutral. Like everything was normal. Like I wasn’t slowly losing my mind just from having his lips on mine.
“Okay,” Sawyer said, his voice going a little higher pitched. His eyes got wider, too, and I instantly recognized the look on his face. He was also trying to act like everything was normal, even though it damn well wasn’t. I knew his impostor syndrome must be kicking in at high gear, and right now, there wasn’t much I could do to help.
“Sawyer! Let’s get you ready for a close-up,” one of the showrunners said, coming up to him and smiling wide. “You’re up first.”
I gave Sawyer a little nod and a salute. “You’ve got this. Just be you.”
He gave me a sheepish smile as the showrunner took him off toward the living room, where they’d set up bright lights.
I took off through the backyard, stopping to thank Kace and Nathan for the incredible dinner. I took the side path toward one of the gates that led to the front driveway, and the moment I was out front on my own, I felt like I dropped a mask that I’d had on.
I sucked in a deep breath of air and got in my truck. I leaned my head forward, feeling the cold press of the steering wheel against my forehead.
“Fuck,” I whispered to myself.
A colossal wave of pain slowly crashed down all around me.
It wasn’t just the confusion of Sawyer kissing me. It was more.
The truth was that I wasn’t sure I’d truly let anyone in since Thomas died. No matter how many years it had been, those kinds of hurts didn’t ever fully heal. Sure, I’d kissed other guys since then. I’d dated, and I’d even had some meaningless hookups that were purely physical.
