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"Look at it this way," Erzah says, nudging a different bottle toward me. "You're clear to help me set up my cantina. Taste this one."
I glare at him.
"Not smart," Dopekh says. He's glaring, too, as if indignant on my behalf. "Not smart at all, Erzah."
Erzah looks surprised at our irritation. "What'd I say? It does make things easier."
Easier for him, maybe. Meanwhile, my heart feels as if it's being ripped out of my chest. I ignore the bottle he sent toward me and drain the ooli brew. I stand up with a belch and pat my gut. It's sloshing with cheap alcohol, but I can still stand straight, so that's a good thing. "I'm heading into town."
"What? This late at night? Why?" Erzah gives me a curious glance. "Nothing will be open, not even the cantina. Are you going to check out the competition? Stare into the windows?"
Right now, I don't give a kef about the competition. I care about my woman. "I'm gonna go guard Ruthie's door. Like I always do."
Dopekh snorts, picking up his drink and draining it. "Good luck with that. She's staying at the boarding house with the other human females and if I don't miss my guess, they won't let an alien male anywhere near it."
He's probably right, but I don't care. "Then I'll wait across the street and watch the door."
It doesn't matter if I'm in Ruthie's room or not. I can watch over her from afar. I'll do whatever it takes to ensure that she's safe and comfortable, even if I can't be at her side. Ruthie might be trying to figure herself out, but I've always known how I feel about her.
Nothing has changed for me. I still love her with every cell in my cloned body.
CHAPTER
TWENTY-EIGHT
RUTHIE
Being alone at night is completely and utterly terrifying.
It doesn't matter that I'm locked in a room by myself. It doesn't matter that the doors to the dormitory are locked and the town is full of humans. It doesn't matter that there are Port custodians walking the streets to ensure that everyone is safe. It's that I'm completely by myself. There's no Kazex at the door to hear if I have a nightmare. There's no one down the hall to come get me if there's a problem. I'm alone.
It's unnerving. It's making it impossible to sleep.
I clutch the knife I brought with me as I huddle under the blankets and listen to the unfamiliar noises. The wind howls outside. The air conditioner in the building chugs and groans. Occasionally there's a metallic sound that the front desk lady told me to ignore. That the building settles when the sun goes down and the metal roof contracts. Sometimes I hear footsteps down the hall.
All of these are normal things. I tell myself this, even as I tremble with fear.
I've never wanted Kazex to be at my side more than tonight. He'd hold me close and reassure me. He'd guard the door so no one could get in. He'd take care of me. I miss him fiercely, and I know I can just go back to the ship. I can...but I don't.
By the time dawn approaches, I'm exhausted and covered in sweat.
But I did it. I made it through the first night alone. The sun comes up and I want to laugh with sheer joy at the feeling of relief that sweeps through me. I was scared, but I did it anyhow.
It's like something in my head unlocks after that.
I fall asleep at dawn and wake at some point around noon...and I feel like a new person. No nightmares plagued me. I slept deeply even though I was by myself. I shower and dress, then head out onto the street because why not?
I visit the general store in Port and talk to the bird-alien behind the counter. He pushes me to buy a scented candle and some herbal soap, because he's convinced humans like that sort of thing. Maybe he's right, because I buy one of each. I wander over to the bakery stand that gives Ruth-Ann such conniptions and buy a few cookies. They're hard and grainy, but it reminds me of home anyhow, and I buy a few more for dinner.
Then, I wander back to the dorm. It's early, but I change into my night tunic because I can do whatever I want.
It's...rather heady. I hang out in my pajamas and eat noodles in bed like a kid, because I can.
The days pass quicker than I thought they would. I expected to be frozen with terror at every moment, but after that first night, I feel relaxed and happy. I can do this. I'm even glad that my sisters goaded me into this experiment, because I feel stronger and less fragile. Less afraid of the universe.
It's a little lonely, though. I know it's only for a week, so that doesn't make it so bad, but I miss Kazex. It's not that I need him to be at my side, guarding me. It's that I miss our conversations. I miss laughing with him, or snuggling up against him and feeling his warm body against mine. I miss his grin and his sometimes ridiculous suggestions. I play with my coin, thinking of things we can do when we get back together. I'm lonely, but I know he'd want me to be able to do this on my own.
