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"But...I have to be with Ruth," she says.
"You should be wherever you want to be, Ruthie. If that's with me, wonderful. If that's with Ruth, that's wonderful, too. You have to do what's best for you. I promised Erzah I'd help him get started, and I can't go back on that." It's destroying me inside to think about parting from her, even for a few months. But I owe Erzah. He's from the same circumstances. The same cloning pool. He's never asked for anything before.
And when I said yes, that was before everything changed between Ruthie and myself.
"You'll be safe on the ship," I reassure her. "If I'm not here, Dopekh will probably take over as head of security again. I can talk to him, have him sleep outside your door?—"
"You can't leave me," Ruthie says, panicked. Her eyes are full of frustration. "Not now!"
Her words are tearing me apart. "You could stay with me. We could rent a room on Risda. See what it's like living planetside for a while. Doesn't have to be forever?—"
"I can't leave my sisters!" She snaps at me as if I've said something incredibly stupid. "Don't be ridiculous."
"You can't leave your sisters? Or you won't leave your sisters?" I step out of the shower, ignoring the shocked look she sends my way. Picking up a towel, I unfold it and hold it out to her so I can dry her off. "You say you want to be your own person, Ruthie. So why do you have to stay attached to them?"
She gasps as if I've struck her. "Fuck you."
Ah, kef. I reach for her as she snatches the towel from me and races past. "I didn't mean it like that, Ruthie. I'm just saying?—"
But it's clear that she's done talking. Ruthie shoots me a wounded look and shoves past into the bedroom. "Leave me alone," she says, toweling off quickly and grabbing at her clothes. "I don't want to talk to you right now."
I run a hand down my face and wonder if I've keffed everything up already.
CHAPTER
TWENTY-FOUR
RUTHIE
The tears manage to stay back until I'm out of the room, at least. Once I'm dressed, I race across the ship, looking for someplace that Kazex won't come find me. I decide that barging in on Ruth-Ann's room is the best answer, and I slap the door open.
Ruth-Ann isn't inside. The bed is neatly made, her room tidy, but there's no Ruth-Ann. Her boots are gone, which means she's probably headed out. No doubt she's going to Port, also, because she loves being nosy.
I collapse on her bed and hug her pillow to my face, muffling my sobs. I don't even know why I'm crying. It's just...everything suddenly feels wrong.
Kazex is leaving me.
For months.
And I can't leave my sisters. I can't. I can't.
But how can I let Kazex go? Just the thought of waking up without him at my side in the morning—even just sharing a smile—makes me ache something fiercely. Even now, the thought of spending months apart seems like eternity. I don't want things to change more than they already have. I can't stand it.
I roll onto my side, hugging the pillow, and as I do, something hard presses under my hip.
The coin. It must have slipped into my pocket, or Kazex put it there while I was sleeping so it wouldn't get lost.
I pull it out and study it. It's a plain penny, dull and slightly worn down. The date is 1965, years and years before I was born. I stare at Lincoln's scruffed profile, thinking. I could flip the coin to decide.
Heads, I stay with my sisters. Tails, I go with Kazex.
The decision would be made for me. I can let the coin choose. It seems so simple.
I sit up, ready to flip it...and I can't bring myself to do so.
I don't like either option. Both of them are going to break me. This isn't just deciding where a kiss might land.
This is my future.
I throw myself back down on the bed, staring up at Ruth-Ann's ceiling with tears in my eyes. How can he abandon me? How can he leave me to...
...make plans he's had for a while now.
Ugh. It's my fault. I've waited too long and now I have to decide between him and my sisters. Between Kazex and the safety of the ship.
I hold the coin tightly, fighting tears. I should just decide. I should. I just...
...I'm paralyzed.
Why can't I just choose?
The door opens and Ruth-Ann frowns at the sight of me sprawled on her bed. "What's wrong?"
"Everything!"
"Oh boy." She turns and glances behind her, where Erzah is waiting. "You go ahead, we'll catch up."
I feel a hint of shame that I'm letting Erzah down, but I don't know that I can concentrate on making a list of what furnishings the new building needs. Not when I feel as if my lungs are being crushed from sheer panic. I gasp for breath, clutching the pillow tighter.
