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A sinking feeling enters my gut. A realization.
I've made a mistake.
This is my future, all because I didn't act. I'm in the process of losing him even as I stand here, and I'm helpless to do anything about it.
For months, I've been pushing Kazex away. I've been telling him that I don't want anything but friendship. It's not that I do. I like him. I like him too much. But I'm also terrified that the feelings I have for him aren't my own. That they're leftover clone memories and they belong to Ruth-Ann or Ruth. That they're not part of what makes me me. So I've kept him at arm's length...and now seeing him basking in Gia's flirting? I'm too late. It's entirely possible that he's moved on. Given up on me.
The thought fills me with such panic that I can scarcely breathe.
Why did I do that? Why am I like this? Why did I push him away? I was terrified of what it would mean if I was with him, but now I'm realizing that it's far worse to lose him entirely.
Gia throws her head back and laughs and touches his chest again, and I picture grabbing her by those gorgeous thick curls of hers and just shaking her until she stops smiling. The knot in my stomach just keeps growing until I feel absolutely sick. I'm going to burst into tears, I realize, watching the man I love get fawned over by a flirty woman.
No, better yet, I'm going to throw up.
As I remain a short distance away, forgotten, I watch as Gia points at his datapad and says something. He pulls it from its holder on his belt and types something in, and I know just what he's putting down. Her phone number. Or her comm number. Or whatever people use to communicate here on Risda. Whatever it is, it makes my spirits sink lower and lower. Here I've been holding him at arm's length for months now, and in the space of one day, Gia has laid claim to him. She knows what she wants and she's going after it, full-bore.
I don't know if I'm madder at her or myself. I have to admire that she has the stones to pursue him, but I also don't know how to compete with that. I'm a mess. I keep waiting for the day that I'm confident in my skin and...I'm still waiting.
Kazex glances over at me as if he's just remembered that I exist. He puts his datapad away and detangles himself from Gia with a friendly goodbye. He returns to my side as she speeds away in her air-sled, a look of concern on his face. "You okay, Ruthie?"
Oh, just throwing up in my mouth. "Did she just give you her number?"
He chuckles. "Indeed. She insisted I write down her contact information so I can send her a message."
Isn't that cute. "Lucky you."
Kazex's smile fades as he studies me. "You sure you're all right? You look troubled."
I hate seeing the happiness fade from his face. I hate that I'm the big party pooper for the day. It just makes how I'm feeling worse. I'm the problem, not Kazex. He doesn't owe me anything. "I ate something that disagreed with me. Tell the others I'm going back to the ship, all right?"
A look of concern crosses his face. "I'll come with you?—"
I put a hand up, silencing him. He's going to be kind and friendly and patient like he always is, and I'll just lose it even more. "I don't need you." When he flinches, I feel like a monster. God, I'm just making this worse by the moment. "I'm going back alone. You find the others. I'll see you back home."
I run off like a coward before I can open my big fat mouth again.
I make it back to the Scarlet Gaze. She's docked with the long-term ships, the biggest one there and so she's easy to find. I step onto one of the motorized walkways and let it zoom me back to the ship and then I retreat to my quarters, avoiding everyone.
I spend all afternoon in bed, crying and hugging my pillow. It doesn't make me feel any better. Being in bed reminds me that this was actually Kazex's bed. That he roomed with Dopekh until I arrived, and then kicked Dopekh out so I could have a safe space to myself. I slept in his quarters until Ruth-Ann arrived and now I room with my sister-clone. It’s just another way Kazex and I have been separated.
He's probably flirting with Gia even now and realizing he's been an idiot for waiting for me. If I lose him, I lose my best friend. I lose the only guy I'm even vaguely interested in. I lose everything...which makes me cry even harder.
