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Are the things that I feel me or are they the original Ruth?
It's complicated, and it's one reason why I've withdrawn from my friendship with Kazex.
I'm utterly addicted to him...and I don't know what Ruth-Ann's presence means for that. If I were more confident, I'd say tough nuts to my newest sister-clone and tell her that he's mine. That he's been at my side since I arrived, quietly offering support and affection.
But I don't know if the part of me that adores him is the part that's me me or if it's the cloned part of me. And what if Ruth-Ann loves him, too? Does that make my feelings real or are they just leftovers from someone else's personality?
It's all confusing and hurtful. I don't know how much is me and how much is cloned, so I've withdrawn. I've stopped spending my downtime with the crew and hanging out with them. I've stopped having lunches with Kazex and finding excuses to run into him. I've stopped with the weapons training he was giving me. I've stopped crawling into his bed at night—not for sex, just for companionship and comfort.
Kazex was the one that gave me first piercing, too. He's got steady, sure hands and it was a good excuse to have him touch me with no strings attached. But since Ruth-Ann arrived, I've skipped tattoos and gone for piercings instead, because I still feel the desperate need to carve myself out, to no longer fit the mold. To be unique in some small way.
I rake my hand through my shorn hair, rubbing the shaved sides and thinking. "Kazex is busy," I tell the others. "I don't want to bother him."
"We both know it's not a bother when it's coming from you," Ruth jokes.
My smile at her words is half-hearted. Ruth-Ann says nothing, simply watching the two of us.
I eat dinner with my sisters in Ruth's quarters. Straik is there with us, and I poke at my noodles as he and Ruth bicker about the weather (of all things) and Ruth-Ann watches them. She's quiet, Ruth-Ann, and I find myself wondering if that's a “her” thing or a Ruth-Original thing. It all makes my head hurt.
"You okay?" Ruth asks, kicking me under the table in a pause between her squabbling with Straik over whether a cloudy day on Risda III can still be considered “beautiful weather” or not. "You've been really quiet."
"What?" I protest, sitting up and frowning. "Why is me being quiet a problem? Ruth-Ann's quiet all the time."
"I'm not quiet," Ruth-Ann says simply, twirling her noodles around her eating sticks. "I'm plotting."
Ruth laughs at that and then nudges me with her foot. "You just haven't been yourself lately."
"Maybe I'm busy being Ruth-Ann," I reply cattily, and then feel like a jerk when Ruth-Ann gives me a curious look. "Sorry. I'm just in a weird place."
"Has the crew been bothering you?" Straik asks, a dark frown on his face. "Do I need to speak to them? If they're pressuring you over anything I want to know about it."
His crew? I give him a strange look. With the exception of Kazex, they all treat me like I'm their little sister. I'm more in danger of being pantsed than harassed. "They're fine. Like I said, I'm just in a weird place. It's nothing no one has done. It's just me."
"Maybe we need to get out and see the sights?" Ruth-Ann volunteers. "Everyone talks about what a lovely planet it is."
"Eh." Ruth isn't impressed with Risda. "While it's cool to see all the humans around, the town kind of bores me. Remember the place with the pink beaches? And the coral trees? Now that was cool." She puts her hand on Straik's arm and strokes his skin with her thumb. "Maybe after the baby's born we'll go back."
"I will buy you an island there," he vows, his dark eyes full of adoration. "Three of them. One for each of your sisters and the biggest for you."
She smiles at him, saying nothing, and the air suddenly feels charged. Ruth keeps rubbing him with her thumb, and Ruth-Ann and I exchange a look. We know where this is most likely heading, and it's time to exit.
"I'm going to go rinse my dishes," I say, getting to my feet.
"I'll join you," Ruth-Ann adds.
Ruth and Straik don't say anything. They're lost in their own little world already, and when I hear the scrape of a chair being moved closer, I'm not surprised. Ruth-Ann and I leave their quarters, and I make sure the door glides shut behind us, and I tap the button to flag them as requesting privacy.
When I turn around, though, Ruth-Ann hasn't disappeared down the hall. She remains in place, studying me with an inscrutable expression. "Is everything all right?" she asks. "Is it me that's bothering you?"
