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Like when I fell and scraped my knee, and she gave me a lollipop and let me watch cartoons for the day. Or when one of my teachers shouted at me because I hadn’t completed a homework assignment. I’d come home crying, and Mam had wiped away my tears, ran me a bath, then made me hot chocolate with marshmallows.
She wasn’t all bad. There was a trickle of love there, but that love was outweighed by the hundreds of times she’d made me feel like a costly burden she could scarcely afford. I hadn’t needed her to be the perfect parent. All I’d needed was her love, but she hadn’t loved me, not properly.
I didn’t even realise a tear had trickled down my cheek until I was finished changing and it had dripped onto my chin. I wiped it away with a sniff, then told Shay he could turn around. As soon as he did, he must’ve suspected I was upset because he strode forward and cupped my face in his hands. His eyes flicked back and forth between mine as though asking what was wrong. At that moment, I wanted to release all my worries and fears, tell him everything and let him carry some of the burden, but I couldn’t do that. It wasn’t in my nature to lean on another person because, whenever I’d tried to as a child, it backfired.
I’d been fiercely independent my entire life as a result, but right then, all I really wanted was for Shay to stay there with me, to hold me and give me more of the soothing calm his presence always managed to instil. But I didn’t ask him to stay. The request made me feel too vulnerable, and I’d already felt vulnerable enough tonight as it was.
Instead, I drew a shaky breath and told him, “It’s been a rough night. I should sleep.”
Shay continued searching my eyes before he finally nodded and released me. I climbed into bed, pulling the covers up over myself. I fully expected to hear the door snick shut as he left, but that didn’t happen.
He stayed.
Shay sat and smoothed my hair away from my face, his fingers gentle, and I closed my eyes. Emotion swelled thick and heavy in my throat when he slipped off his shoes, then lowered onto the bed behind me. He didn’t get under the covers; instead, he laid on top of the duvet and wrapped his arms around me from behind.
My heart didn’t know how to react. He’d been so careful and kind and protective of me that night, but holding me like that, just quietly being there, it was exactly what I needed but didn’t have the courage to ask for. And now, I was in serious danger of falling for him.
The thought had a different kind of adrenaline coursing through me, and it was difficult to relax. I was thirty-one years old, but I’d never been in love. It wasn’t simply that I hadn’t allowed myself to fall for someone. I’d had a handful of boyfriends, but none of them made me feel like Shay did. None of them made my heart flutter. My whole body became warm and alive and electric when he looked at me.
Eventually, I managed to close my eyes and slow my breathing, even while my heart continued to race.
We stayed like that for a while, but I was feeling too many emotions to sleep. Then my stomach rumbled loudly, reminding me of how hungry I was. I’d skipped dinner because I was so busy helping prepare for the party.
It was the second time my stomach had rumbled in front of Shay, and I was more than a little mortified. I turned my head and found him smiling fondly.
“I skipped dinner,” I explained sheepishly, then turned back around.
I felt his weight leave the bed and listened as he filled the kettle with water. Was he making me tea? God, how could I not fall for the man? Every little thing he did, every tiny gesture, stole another small piece of my heart.
A few minutes later, he returned with a cup of tea and a slice of buttered toast. The simple kindness almost had tears springing forth again, but I managed to hold them back. Shay set the mug and plate on my bedside table, and I sat up.
“Thanks,” I said quietly before taking a sip of tea. There was some sugar in it, which was exactly what I needed. A few moments of silence elapsed as I ate a bite of toast. The buttery carbs did a lot to soothe my frayed nerves. “I’m okay, though. You should get back to the party. Rhys might need you.”
Shay didn’t look like he wanted to leave, and honestly, I didn’t want him to either, but I also didn’t want him abandoning his work just because of me. Even if a part of me did wish Mrs Reynolds’ party ended up being a disaster. But that was my vindictive side taking over, and I didn’t like being vindictive.
